The Mysteries of Life
by feimao and vjl
Summary: The Pevensies get a nasty shock while out strolling in the Lantern Waste. Mass rubbish ensues. Ye hath been warned. Beware the rubbish. for friends who're used to our weirdness
1. Chapter 1

**The Mysteries of Life with Feimao, Vjl and the Pevensies**

Disclaimer: We owneth not anything here except the rubbish. The rest belongs to CS Lewis, the lucky bugger.

Authors' Note: Rated M for sexual innuendo and very very very mild neo-paedophilia. (I mean, it's just border-line, and there isn't all that emphasis on sexuality anyway! That makes it pretty much incongruous with the standard dictionary definition! I do not, repeat, DO NOT, want to get into a 12-year-old boy's pants, even if he IS Edmund Pevensie ok?- Feimao) Beware of "character quirks" aka OOCness. (At least there aren't any Mary/Marty-Sues. That's a plus anytime in my book... -Feimao) Authors will not be held liable for any loss of sanity, deaths resulting from choking on own spit, any form of emotional or psychological trauma etc. Reader discretion advised. View at your own risk.

**Chapter 1: In Which We Discover What Comes Of Jumping Into Manholes**

Vjl: Ooh, look. A manhole.

Feimao: Let's look for fur coats in it.

Vjl: Yeah, we're so cheap. XD

Feimao: Why're we cheap? What's so cheap about looking for fur coats down a manhole?

Vjl: I mean, who's so desperate to save money on fur coats that they'd look for some down a manhole?

Feimao: If you skin enough rats, I bet they'll make a pretty decent fur coat. Surface area-wise.

Vjl: I suppose we can trick some rich taitai into thinking it's mink. (note: a taitai is another term for what we politely refer to as a female "socialite".)

Feimao: Send it for dry-cleaning.

Vjl: And then dye it and fluff it up a bit. Yeah, I think we can pull it off.

Feimao: Ok, let's do something stupid.

Vjl: Yo, wanna try throwing down a torch in like Ed and Ling did in FMA? I've always wanted to do that.

Feimao: Throw a TORCH down a SEWER... Sure, that's stupid enough.

Vjl: (grabs flaming torch from nearby angry mob and throws it down the manhole)

Feimao: (peers down) Now that's hot.

Vjl: ... There's. No. Echo.

Feimao: I see a tunnel. There's something white at the end.

Vjl: OMG, this is so cool.

Feimao: Can we do something even more stupid and jump in? Just for kicks.

Vjl: Yeah, ok, let's jump in.

Feimao: ONWARD HO! (dives in)

Vjl: (hops in)

(falling falling falling... )

Vjl:... Wow, some fall. I'm still in midair.

Feimao: I say, are we falling DOWN or UP? We've been at it so long, I can't tell.

Vjl: Try looking which way your hair's blowing.

(WHUMP! Both land in a pile of snow.)

Feimao: Damn. Too late.

Vjl: Ow.

Feimao: What "ow"? Landing was so soft... Oh, sorry. (gets off vjl)

Vjl: That's better. (rubs ribs) I think I cracked something.

Feimao: (picks up remains of torch) Aww, it got extinguished.

Vjl: Did you gain weight?

Feimao: No, you just have brittle ribs. We don't have the light! Oh nooo!

Vjl: Too bad. It's quite bright anyway... Hey, it's bright. Weird.

Feimao: Hey, it's a lamppost.

Vjl: Hey, it's an antique lamppost.

Feimao: Let's nick it and sell it on ebay.

Vjl: D'you reckon it runs on electricity?

Feimao: Nah, it's got little flames in it.

Vjl: Oh, let's smash it.

Feimao: Eh, there're people there. If you're going to smash it, smash it quick!

Vjl: Well, it'll be nice if we can get our hands on some fur coats.

Feimao: Maybe those people have fur coats.

Vjl: Oh really?

Feimao: (shouts to people) HELLO? WE COME IN PEACE?

Vjl: (does alien hand-sign thing) TAKE US TO YOUR LEADERRR.

(the Pevensies jump in shock and look around.)

Feimao: I've always wanted to say that.

Vjl: Haha, those people have crowns on them.

Feimao: ... Can we nick those and sell them on ebay too?

Lucy: Peter? What are they?

Vjl: Ooo, they talk. Wonder if we can take pictures with them. Hello, o royal strangelings!

Peter: I say, Lu, I think they're humans too!

Feimao: WHAT HUMANS LAH! I'M ALIEN. ALIEN, GOT IT?

Edmund: Extremely LOUD humans.

Vjl: Aw, look, this one's so cute.

Feimao: (freezes)

Vjl: Quick, pat him on the head!

Peter: Very... strange... humans...

Susan: Omg, they're coming closer. What should we do, Ed?

Edmund: Nah, I think they're harmless.

Feimao: (to susan) Back off, lady. This one's mine. (hurls snowball at her)

Vjl: Lol.

Susan: OW! (gets knocked out)

Lucy: SUSAN!

Edmund:... Alright, so maybe they're a bit shy...

Peter: A bit? A BIT?

Vjl: Do not be distressed! I am a qualified first-aider!

Feimao: (tackles Edmund)

Vjl: Quick! Hand me a pair of forceps!

Feimao: WAHOO!

Edmund: OW! ASSAULT! I'm being attacked by a paedophile!

Vjl: Deal with it.

Peter: (whimpers and hides behind a tree)

Edmund: Deal with it? DEAL WITH IT? HOW THE BLOODY HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DEAL WITH IT WHEN IT'S CLINGING TO MY MIDRIFF? I can't even MOVE!

Feimao: I am NOT paedo dammit!

Vjl: Then what are you doing with him?

Feimao:... I'm hugging him? (innocence)

Edmund: Hello? I'm a kid. You're an adolescent. Is that paedo or what?

Vjl: Anyway, SUSAN! I AM HERE TO SAVE THEE! Or thou, whatever.

Edmund: Who cares about Susan? Save ME! (struggles to get away)

Feimao: (to Edmund) Aww, so adorable!

Vjl: (pokes susan in the eye)

Susan: OW!

Feimao:... IT'S ALIIIVE!

Vjl: (to susan) Be quiet, I'm trying to revive you.

Susan: This is not revivi-

Vjl: (slaps susan)

Susan: OW! WHAT'RE YOU DOING?

Vjl: (slaps again)

Susan: (conveniently passes out)

Peter:... Is it safe to come out yet?

Vjl: Good. Now, dear Peter.

Peter:... Mother...

Feimao: TURKISH DELIGHT! JELLIED CONFECTIONERY OF THE WORLD, UNITE! XD

Edmund: Wait a minute, you have Turkish Delight?

Feimao: If it makes you happy, yeah.

Edmund:... Ok, you are a nice person. You are not paedo.

Feimao: Aww, thank you. You're so sweet.

Edmund: Therefore in return, I justly deserve some Turkish Delight.

Feimao: I left it at home though.

Edmund:... GET OFF ME, PAEDO PERSON.

Vjl: How shall we best deal with Peter?

Feimao: Oh, I'm fine with anything, as long as I have Ed here.

Lucy: Oh, I can't watch! (covers eyes)

Vjl: Don't worry, only despicable males will get it from me.

Feimao:... Susan is a despicable male?

Edmund: Uh...

Vjl: Uh, no. But she's pretty irritating, so I make an exception.

Feimao: Oh, ok.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: In Which Edmund Asks Feimao What Condoms Are**

Vjl: Now... PETER!

Feimao: (carries on hugging Edmund) Yay!

Vjl: (takes out a photo of Peter's old girlfriend)

Edmund: GAAAHHH-OOH. What's that?

Vjl: (to Peter) I take this to be your lady companion?

Peter:... WHAT?

Feimao: HAHA, he's turning red. Like Bob the Tomato from Veggietales!

Vjl: Come now, I took this from under your pillow, next to a packet of condoms.

Edmund:... What?

Vjl: Do you know what condoms are, Edmund? Ask Feimao.

Edmund:... (to Feimao) What are condoms?

Feimao: You know how kings live in kingdoms? So similarly, cons live in condoms.

Edmund:... Peter, why do you have a packet of residential units under your pillow?

Peter: (to Edmund) Psst, shut up, Ed! (to Vjl) Uh, um... do not try to trick me with your wily words, you vile vicious woman you!

Feimao: Woo, he's pretty good at alliteration.

Edmund: (indignantly) What dyou mean "Shut up, Ed"?

Peter: You're being an ass, that's what.

Edmund: If not for me, you'd be another lawn ornament in the White Witch's courtyard, you freak.

Feimao: Oh, it's so nice to watch them bicker...

Peter: If it weren't for you, I wouldn't even be a lawn ornament in the first place!

Lucy: Quarrels are bad! They give off bad vibes! BAD!

Vjl: Here, have some lokum. (gives Lucy lokum aka Turkish Delight)

Lucy: Mom says I'm not allowed to take sweets from strangers.

Edmund: If it weren't for- (sniffs air) I SMELL TURKISH DELIGHT.

Feimao: Oh, so we DO have Turkish Delight! (takes it from Vjl and shoves it into Edmund's mouth) There you go.

Edmund: (chew chew chew)

Feimao:... DAMN, he's cute when he does that.

Vjl: (to Lucy) By the way, did you know that a lot of people called Lucians like to pair you up with Prince Caspian?

Lucy:... Who?

Feimao: Oh, Viv, keep in mind the time thingie. I think we dropped in just at the beginning of the Golden Reign, so Caspian hasn't even been born yet.

Vjl: That's a pity. But really, the pairing's so weird.

Feimao: Hear hear. But Lucy/Tumnus is even weirder.

Edmund: (to Feimao) Please release me so I may inflict some physical damage to my jerk of an older brother.

Peter: DON'T YOU DARE.

Feimao: Ooh, a conflict.

Vjl: (to Lucy) But you really ought to go with Caspian because he's the only male human around of relatively acceptable pairing age other than your brothers.

Lucy:... I'm afraid I don't... understand?

Vjl: No worries, you will soon come to understand in a few years time.

Lucy: Um, ok. Why?

Vjl: Because of hormones like progesterone and whatever rubbish flowing through your veins, that's why.

Lucy: What's prudjer- prodjer- progrest-...

Vjl: It's rubbish, understand? Rubbish. And it's flowing through your veins.

Lucy:... Why do I have rubbish flowing through my veins?

Vjl: Because you're a girl.

Lucy: That's very small rubbish then. I wonder how it all fits...

Vjl: Now, boys have a very different kind of rubbish flowing in their veins.

Peter and Edmund: (coldly) WHAT?

Vjl: Theirs is called testosterone, and it's even more rubbish because it makes them stupid and silly.

Feimao: Oh, but in certain boys, their rubbish makes them all the more cute.

Vjl: Take your brothers for example.

Peter and Edmund: HEY!

Feimao: Peter is rubbish, yes, but NOT EDMUND.

Edmund: (to Peter) See? I have support. YOU DON'T. (sticks tongue out)

Vjl: Unfortunately, post-pubescent girls find their rubbish amusing, even attractive.

Feimao: (icily) I am not post-pubescent.

Vjl: You've had your mens right?

Feimao:... (releases Edmund and takes Vjl aside) Excuse me, you do not discuss this kind of thing in front of GUYS alright? It is not protocol, man.

Edmund: Why? What're "mens"?

Peter: Bad grammar?

Vjl:... Have you ever taken sex ed before, dudes?

Edmund:... Excuse me?

Peter: They use such queer language...

Vjl: It's like, when girls have their monthly periods?

Edmund: Annnd... these are... what?

Vjl: Hello, you have SISTERS and you don't know? (points at Susan)

Peter: Monthly periods? Like, monthly time intervals?

Vjl: Ask her the next time she wakes up.

Edmund: (snorts) Like we'd care...

Lucy: Now, Ed, that's not very nice...

Vjl:... You might care when your toilet bowls are covered in blood.

Lucy: Oh my, but our toilets are always so clean!

Peter: Susan has monthly time intervals when she spends enormous amounts of time in the royal loo.

Vjl: There you go, then. Observant of you.

Edmund: The royal girls' loo anyway.

Peter: Gross, we're not looking in THERE.

Edmund: (nods in agreement) Absolutely.

Vjl: You know, I should be your sex ed teacher.

Feimao: Boys're so cute when they're clueless. Certain ones anyway. (continues hugging Edmund)

Edmund: Good GRIEF, not again...

Vjl: How are you guys going to repopulate Narnia with humans if you don't know about sex? Jeez...

Edmund: Repopulate? Does this have something to do with geography?

Vjl:... Then again, the process would include incest, so... not a good idea either. Hmm.

Lucy: What's "incest"?

Edmund:... Is it a kind of jellied dessert?

Peter: It sounds like something that burns.

Edmund: That's INCENSE. That smelly thing you burn.

Vjl: Correct. INCEST, on the other hand, is when you get really, really intimate with your brother or sister...

Lucy:... Susan let's me sleep next to her when I get nightmares.

Edmund: (snickers) Or when you get scared during thunderstorms.

Vjl: If you guys do more than sleep, then THAT would be incest.

Peter: (getting embarrassed) I don't understand where this is all going anyway...

Vjl: This is going in the direction of your girlfriend, Peter. The one you left behind in our world years ago.

Peter: (hotly) is NOT.

Edmund:... A SCANDAL. :)

Vjl: And you know what I found out?

Edmund: This ought to be interesting...

Peter: NOTHING!

Feimao: Hey, Viv, can we teach them sex ed?

Vjl: I don't think Peter needs it. Because he MADE HIS GF PREGNANT!

(silence.)

Lucy:... What's "pregnant"?

Feimao: That was a pregnant pause.

Vjl: Haha. It's when you get morning sickness and puke up all over.

Lucy: (to Peter) Peter! How on earth did you get a poor girl so sick that she vomited so much? That's horrid!

Peter: I DID NOT!

Vjl: I have conclusive evidence, Peter, don't try to deny it.

Edmund:... I still don't get it.

Feimao: Hm?

Edmund: Give me a break! I'm only 12!

Feimao: True. We didn't have sex ed when I was 12.

Edmund: Does that explain why you're a paedophile then?

Feimao: God, I'm only 4 years older than you alright? JEEZ.

Edmund:... You are SO old.

Feimao: Don't make me sit on you.

Edmund:... (shuts up)

Peter: I am NOT denying! WHAT CONCLUSIVE EVIDENCE?

Vjl: A pregnancy test, plus a DNA test, PLUS a picture of the baby to compare with your face.

Peter: WHAAAT?

Vjl: Yes, Peter, there is NO escape from your evil past...

Feimao: And at such a young age too, tch.

Vjl: Your past full of misdeeds and misadventures and near miscarriages...

Peter: THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

Vjl: No it's not. Look. (whips out baby's photo)

Edmund: (smirks) Go on, Peter, be a good father...

Peter: AGH, I TOLD you, I'm INNOCENT!I've never even HAD a girlfriend!

Edmund: Does it look like an oaf? If it does, it's definitely Peter's.

Vjl: It looks just like him. All the way down to his idiotic nasal hair.

Peter: I DO NOT HAVE NASAL HAIR. Not much anyway.

Vjl: I have a soft copy, a back-up copy, plus photocopies...

Peter: BURN THOSE RIGHT NOW. You are NOT framing me for something this heinous!

Feimao: Hahaha, your brother's bloody funny when he panics.

Edmund: You think? You should've seen him that time he overslept and was late for a council meeting. Dashed right out of his room in his unmentionables.

Feimao: I really don't see how some girls can be enamored of him.

Edmund: What, SERIOUSLY?

Feimao: Oh yeah, my friend back home thinks he has nice lips.

Edmund:... Are all your friends paedophiles?

Feimao: I SAID, I bloody SAID-

Edmund: (hastily) Uh, ok, got it. Not paedo. Nope, you're not paedo at all.

Vjl: I can show the photos to you guys when I get my hands on them.

Edmund: Yes, you do that.

Peter: NO, YOU DO NOT.

Feimao: WAIT! STOP! EVERYBODY SHUSH AND LISTEN TO ME!

Vjl: You have your period? Omg!

Feimao: ...

Vjl: I've run out of pads!

Edmund: What pads?

Lucy: Are they lily pads?

Vjl: Try banana leaves, I hear they work.

Feimao: SHUT UP LAH.

Vjl: What does Susan use?

Lucy: Susan? Um, I'm not sure. I know she has a lot of hair brushes, if those'll help...

Vjl: I don't think they will...

Feimao: I WANT TO GO TO CAIR PARAVEL.

Vjl:... That's what you wanted to say?

Feimao: YES.

Peter: Wait a minute, how do YOU know about Cair Paravel?

Vjl: She's psychic!

Feimao: Yeah, what she said.

Vjl: I'm psychic too! That's how I know about your baby, Peter.

Peter: SHUT IT.

Feimao: ONE TWO JIGGY ALIEN TELEPORTATION DANCE HO! (teleports everyone to Cair Paravel)


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3: In Which Vjl Unleashes Her Inner Tyrant**

Lucy: (in shock)

Edmund: WHOA!

Peter: EEK!

Vjl: Neat. I usually use a variation of the rain dance, but this is much faster.

Feimao: Rain dances involve weather changes and weather changes take a long time.

Vjl: Less jigging.

Feimao: Mm. Now, I'm hungry. All to the dining hall!

Vjl: How witty, that rhymes.

Peter: HeyheyheyheyHEY, we LIVE here!

Vjl: Yes, we know.

Lucy: Poor Su, she's still out cold.

Feimao: Warm her up. Let's cook her over a spit!

Vjl: I shall keep a sharp eye on Feimao to make sure she doesn't sneak off to the bedroom with Edmund.

Feimao: (horrified) WHAT?

Edmund:... Why would she want to sneak into a bedroom with me?

Vjl: What? Just in case...

Feimao: NO!

Peter: (tries to slip away unnoticed)

Vjl: (grabs Peter's arm) You, my little friend, have no business elsewhere.

Edmund: Now wait just a pickin' minute, I'm fed up with having 90 percentof my questions going unanswered so ANSWER ME NOW.

Vjl: You will be traumatized by the answers.

Edmund: Yeah? Shock me.

Vjl: You will be scarred for life.

Feimao:... Vivien's right. Listen to Vivien. Just this once. Trust me.

Edmund: ... Trust YOU.

Feimao:... Ok, that was kind of an oxymoron back there but SERIOUSLY...

Vjl: You will become a social recluse, unable to overcome the deep emotional wounds in your life.

Lucy: What's so bad about it? I want to know too!

Vjl: Yeah, but... the point is, you guys shouldn't know some facts in life.

Lucy: Well, if she wants to see a bedroom, she doesn't have to sneak in. I can show you around, if you like. We're doing some redecorating, it's all very lovely...

Feimao: Really? Oh, ok, thanks.

Edmund: WHY WOULD SHE BE INTERESTED IN OUR BEDROOMS? ANSWER OR FACE THE WRATH OF KIND EDMUND THE JUST!

Feimao: King Edmund the Just-Too-Cute (happiness)

Vjl:... Do you trust HER alone with you in your bedroom?

Feimao: EXCUSE ME-

Vjl: On your bed?

Lucy: I wouldn't mind, she seems quite nice. We can have a pyjama party! Beds are fun to bounce on!

Vjl:... Possibly naked?

Feimao: (hotly) FOR DIGNITY'S SAKE, WOMAN, HAVE YOU NO SHAME?

Vjl: Ed?

Edmund:... What?

Vjl:... I didn't think so either. Ok, dinner.

Lucy: I didn't get any of that. Why would anyone want to sleep without any pyjamas on? Wouldn't it be dreadfully cold?

Feimao: (cough) Yes, dinner.

Lucy: Oh. Ok! (happily leads them to the dining hall)

Edmund: Wait a minute, you said something about-

Feimao: She didn't say anything, AHAHA, she didn't say anything at all. Nope. We ought to forget everything and focus on... DINNER.

Vjl:... SO what's on the menu today?

Lucy: Pavenders!

Edmund: (groans) Not THOSE again...

Vjl: (sits at Peter's high chair thingo and flips through menu) What's a pavender?

Lucy: They're rainbow-coloured fish we catch in the sea nearby.

Feimao: I'm not very fond of fish, actually.

Vjl: I like fish, as long as they're thoroughly cooked.

Feimao: Sashimi is gross.

Vjl: Rainbowish fish eh? Coolness, let's have some of that then.

Edmund: PLEASE. We ate pavenders yesterday. And the day before. And the day before the day before.

Vjl: Jeeves! I'd like to place my order!

Peter: Jeeves?

Vjl: (rings on one of those bells)

Tumnus: (pops up out of nowhere) You rang?

Feimao: (jumps) Oh my God, DON'T DO THAT. It's like Lurch from the Addams Family. Only... furrier...

Tumnus: I'm sorry.

Lucy: Oh hello, Mr Tumnus! Could you cook up some dinner for us?

Tumnus: (bows) Of course. (hurries off to kitchens)

Feimao: I hate pop-ups. They clog up my computer screen.

Edmund: I hate pavenders. They clog up my taste buds.

Feimao:... (hugs Edmund) I love you.

Vjl: ...

Edmund: (chokes)

Vjl: Run, Ed, run.

Edmund: I'm TRYING, I'm TRYING!

Feimao: (iron grip) This kind of love does not let go easily, haha.

Lucy: Oh? What kind is it?

Vjl: Love? Peter ought to know, right Pete?

Peter: (grumbles)

Vjl: Of course he does.

Edmund: Cho-king. No-t bre-ath-ing.

Feimao: (loosens grip a bit) I'm sorry.

Vjl: Make sure all hugging occurs at the upper body, now. Play clean, children.

Feimao: I AM hugging his upper body dammit.

Edmund: Aghhhhhh...

Vjl: Just making sure.

Lucy: Hugging is fun. Let's group hug!

(group hug)

Peter: (glances at Feimao and Edmund) Sometimes hugging can get a bit out of control though...

Feimao and Vjl: (simultaneously) You should know.

Feimao:... Whoo, we're psychic!

Peter: (glares darkly)

Feimao: WE CAN READ EACH OTHER'S THOUGHTS!

Vjl: We've established that just now, haven't we? That we're both psychic.

Edmund:... Ex-cuse me. Please. Let. Me. Go.

Feimao: Yeah! That we are!

Edmund: Hello? I exist you know?

Vjl: If only you knew...

Feimao: Aww, he's so cute! (hug)

Vjl: Poor lad.

Edmund: ACK!

Vjl: (to Feimao) Oh, by the way, you have yet to pat his head.

Feimao: Who wants to pat his head when you can HUG him man?

Vjl: This is the perfect chance! (pats Edmund's head)

Edmund: ARGHHHHHH! (struggles harder to no avail)

Vjl: Now where is that fish?

Tumnus: (from kitchens) Coming, coming...

Feimao: Fauns make good cooks, I suppose.

Lucy: Oh yes, Mr Tumnus has won every round of Narnian Chef. He's been defending champion since the first episode!

Peter: Hey, I'm a guy too alright? Why are Ed and Tumnus getting so much attention here? Could someone notice me for once?

Vjl:... Go get Tumnus here and order him to look at you.

Edmund: (to Peter) HA! You're just jealous!

Peter: Am NOT.

Edmund: Are TOO.

Vjl: Lol, would you prefer some attention from ME:D

Feimao:... Oh dear...

Vjl: I have found other juicy tidbits I don't mind sharing...

Edmund: Uh, I think that's a whole lot worse, Peter. Retract your statement, quick.

Vjl: Let's see...

Peter: AHHHHHHHHH! (tries to run away)

Feimao: (sticks foot out and trips him)

Vjl: Thanks.

Feimao: Hm. You owe me a favour.

Vjl: Another one? Drats... (drags Peter nearer and places one foot on him)

Peter: GAAAAAAHHH...


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4: In Which The Fish Brings Unexpected Company**

Edmund: O-HO, that trip was good! (claps) Encore! Encore!

Feimao: Thank you, you're so sweet (kisses Edmund on the cheek)

Edmund: …

Vjl: …

Lucy: Oh my Aslan…

Feimao: … What?

Edmund: …

Vjl: Ok, where are we on the intimacy chart thing?

Edmund: …

Vjl: Let's see. Holding hands, hugging, kissing, necking…

Feimao: (coldly) Excuse me, just what are you insinuating?

Vjl: Not quite there yet, but soon.

Feimao: I never got to hold his hand anyway!

Vjl: No, you skipped the first stage.

Lucy: What's "necking"?

Vjl: You know vampires?

Edmund: …

Vjl: It's a bit like that.

Lucy: Vampires! Oh no, no, they're so scary! (shudders)

Vjl: Just more sexay.

Lucy: (to Feimao) You're not going to turn Ed into a vampire, are you?

Feimao: I'm not a vampire for starters, dear. And SHUT UP, VJL.

Lucy: Oh, ok, that's not so bad then…

Edmund: (makes series of strangled sounds)

Vjl: Haha (steps on peter harder)

Peter: (painful EXHAAAAAALE…)

Feimao: Oh my, he's deflating.

Lucy: Oh no, PETER!

Feimao: (to Lucy) Why don't you go help Mr Tumnus in the kitchens? We'll stay here and wait.

Lucy: But… but…

Vjl: Mr Tumnus may have gotten his scarf stuck in the toaster for all we know.

Feimao: Yes, we'll take goood care of your brothers, don't worry. (smiles)

Lucy: … Alright, I guess… If you put it… that way… (goes off uncertainly)

(silence)

Vjl: Now…

Feimao: You realise we're like, on opposite ends of the spectrum here?

Vjl: But of course.

Edmund: What. By the Lion's Mane. Was THAT?

Feimao: Ah, you're not in shock anymore. That's good. I was afraid I short-circuited something…

Edmund: YOU. Are a. Are a… a… a…

Feimao: … (dangerously calm tone) A what?

Edmund: … N-nothing.

Vjl: Haha, let's see. Ah, the forks here are nice and pointy. Ooh, the knives have been sharpened quite nicely.

Feimao: … Viv…

Vjl: Even the chandeliers may be of some use.

Feimao: Viv, you are NOT touching Edmund. You understand? Peter's all yours but Ed's off-limits.

Vjl: Sure, sure… (inspects a knife with interest)

Peter: … I have a bad feeling about this…

Edmund: (to Feimao) Look, I'm very grateful for all this… affection, but please. At least let me breathe properly.

Feimao: Promise you won't run away.

Edmund: It's not like I have anywhere to run right? You'd probably hunt me down… (shudders)

Feimao: Ok, good point (releases Edmund)

Edmund: (exhaaaaaale) (mutters to self) Air… blessed air, I breathe again…

Peter: Ah, listen. Whatever we did to offend you, we're sorry, alright?

Edmund: "WE"? YOU'RE the one being stepped on.

Feimao: (to Edmund) You see? Affectionate attention from me gives you protection!

Edmund: And for that, I am very grateful, thank you.

Feimao: You're most welcome. I wonder what Viv intends to do to the poor bastard? (glances at Peter)

Edmund: Hey. Isn't any of MY business…

Feimao: … Nor mine (looks away as Vjl proceeds to cackle madly in the background) … (to Edmund) SO… what DOES your bedroom look like:)

Edmund: Uh… it looks like… a bedroom?

Feimao: (dreamily) Mm, I'll bet…

Tumnus: (from kitchens) The pavender is ready!

Lucy: (from kitchens) Goodness, it's heavy. PETER! Could you lend us a hand here?

Vjl: (gags Peter with a napkin, ties him up with a spare tablecloth lying around and rolls him under the table)

Peter: (muffled) MMPFFMPTFF!

Lucy: (from kitchens) What was that?

Vjl: I'LL HELP YOU! (goes to kitchens happily)

Edmund: … (smooths down the tablecloth)

Feimao: Can I sit next to you?

Edmund: Er… (slides glance towards kitchens, then at table, then at kitchens again) Sure.

Peter: (muffled) MMPFF! FMPPPF MFF TMFF!

Feimao: (lifts tablecloth and flings a fork in) Oh, SHUT UP.

Peter: (suddenly shuts up)

Edmund: … Exactly where did you hit him?

Feimao: (adjusts tablecloth cheerfully) Hm? I wasn't aiming at all! Nope.

Lucy: (comes in) Oh, where IS Peter? I wish he'd stop disappearing every time I ask for help in the kitchens.

Edmund: (wisely) That's because he's Peter. A stain on the shirt is like a holocaust.

Feimao: Peter's a little tied up at the moment.

Lucy: What with?

Edmund: (trying not to look at tablecloth) Kingly duties.

Lucy: Oh. I suppose that can't be helped…

(Mr Tumnus and Vjl come in, wheeling a trolley on which a big ass fish has been placed on)

Edmund: (stares at fish) Is that a pavender or a whale?

Vjl: (cheerfully) It's a GIANT pavender.

Tumnus: Oreius and I just caught it this morning.

Feimao: … That's a big fish.

Vjl: You think so? Looks just about right to me.

(Lucy, Mr Tumnus and Vjl heave the gargantuan platter of fish onto the dining table)

Lucy: (slightly annoyed) Well, if Peter isn't coming back anytime soon then we ought to start first.

Vjl: (raises eyebrows at Feimao)

Feimao: (makes the "sleeping" gesture)

Vjl: (mouths "Ohhh…")

Edmund: (watching this silent exchange uneasily) No, I don't think Peter's going to be very punctual…

Lucy: Hm. Why don't you start without me? I'll go check on Susan… (goes off to rooms)

Tumnus: I'll go check on the dessert… (goes off to kitchens)

Edmund: (perks up) Speaking of dessert-

Tumnus: (from kitchens) We've run out of Turkish Delight, Your Majesty!

Edmund: WHAT?

Tumnus: (from kitchens) You cleared our pantry stock last night!

Edmund: … (folds arms and sulks)

Feimao: (pats Edmund's back) Cheer up. We'll go find some tomorrow.

Edmund: YES.

Feimao: (gestures) A whole COMMUNITY:)

Edmund: YE- What?

Feimao: They're not all that elusive, especially if you catch them just when they're coming out of their burrows…

Edmund: I don't think they-

Vjl: DINNERRR! (brandishes cutlery) I CALL DIBS ON THE FISH! Or shot-gun! Whatever, it's mine.

(suddenly, a rumbling sound fills the hall and the fish, along with the table, starts to shake violently)

Edmund: (stares) … MR TUMNUS? DID YOU COOK THE PAVENDER PROPERLY?

Tumnus: (from kitchens) YES, YOUR MAJESTY!

Edmund: (paling as he stares at the vibrating fish) DOESN'T SEEM QUITE DEAD TO ME!

Vjl: Ooh, live seafood:) How delightful!

Feimao: Quick! Bash it on the head with something!

Edmund: (fumbles under table, emerges with Peter's boot and hurls it at the fish)

(BAM! The fish's mouth drops open to reveal…)

Clari: OI! HELP ME OUT LAH!

(silence)

Feimao: … Clari, how did you get in there?

Vjl: She pulled a Jonah! That or the fish was pregnant.

Edmund: … What is that? (points at Clari)

Feimao: Oh, that? That's the friend I told you about. You know, the one who's enamored of Peter?

Edmund: … The one who thinks he has nice lips?

Clari: He DOES ok! They look so… so…

(pause)

Feimao: "Peterly"?

Clari: … Trust YOU to ruin the romantic tone.

Feimao: (arches eyebrow) You're standing in the FISH. Was there even a romantic tone to begin with?

Clari: BAH. Where's Peter? I need his gallant hands to help me down!

Vjl: (proudly) Peter's gallant hands have effectively been rendered immobile by my expert knotting skills.

Clari: EH!

Edmund: Eloquent.

Clari: (points at Vjl) I COMMAND THEE! UNTIE PETER'S GALLANT HANDS THAT THEY MAY RESCUE ME FROM THE DASTARDLY JAWS OF GIANT FISHINESS!

(silence)

Vjl: (slurps on glass of ice water)

Clari: WAHLAO! You're such a PRICK!

Feimao: You're welcome to do the untying. He's somewhere under the table.

Vjl: Effectively incapacitated. You can give him CPR.

Edmund: I'm starting to lose my appetite…

Clari: … NO. I want to be rescued by him! GALLANT HANDS, I SAY!

(Suddenly, the tip of a saw protrudes from the pavender's back and saws away at the flesh. It succeeds in cutting a circle and a piece of meat drops off to reveal a large hole. Then…)

Tessa: (pops out of hole) I AM THE ALL-KNOWING POT OF RAINBOWS:)

(silence)

Clari: Alamak! What're you doing here?

Vjl: She has been summoned into existence by the sheer rainbowness of the pavender.

Tessa: Ya! What she said:)

Clari: GET YOUR OWN FISH LAH!

Lucy: (comes in) Gracious, what's all this noise?

Feimao: New guests arrived in the fish.

Lucy: … What were they doing in the fish in the first place?

Edmund: (drums fingers on table, mumbling) Parasitic organisms...

Tessa: (airy fairy voice) I was summoned by its RAINBOW SCALES:)

Clari: Er, you didn't cook it properly?

Feimao: AHA! I knew there was something fishy-

(pause)

Clari: … Do you have any idea how lame that was?

Feimao: No pun intended!

Edmund: … I think I'll skip dinner tonight.

Lucy: That can't be right! We roasted it thoroughly! How did they survive the oven!

Vjl: Maybe Tumnus tried to poison us.

Tessa: Wait, who?

Lucy: I have absolute faith in Mr Tumnus's cun- culn- clu- oh bother!- COOKING skills!

Tessa: (ecstatic) MR TUMNUS! (grins happily)

Clari: Eee, he's HAIRY. I want my Petey!

Feimao: … (to Edmund) And you think YOU have trouble with affectionate attention.

Edmund: (staring at Clari and Tessa) I see the error of my ways…

Feimao: Yes, well, love is a complicated emotion. It's those dratted hormones…

Vjl: (in background, chanting) The pituitary glands produce luteinizing hormone and follicle stimulating hormone, which induce a follicle in the ovaries to develop… (goes into Bio-mugging mode)

Lucy: Lucynizing what? oo

Edmund: How come you didn't fall in love with Peter then?

Feimao: … Are you NUTS?

Edmund: (hastily) Never mind, forget I ever asked.

Feimao: Love is selective! You can't just fall in love with ANYONE! They have to be THE one!

Edmund: Er, yes, ok.

Lucy: (to Edmund) Have you seen Peter? I couldn't find him anywhere.

Edmund: (weakly) No, we haven't seen him either…

Lucy: (annoyed) Well, that's just RUDE. Kingly duties or not, dinner is QUALITY FAMILY TIME. AND he's letting all the food go to waste too!

Feimao: … God, you are SO maternal.

Edmund: (lowers voice) You haven't seen anything yet. She made Peter cry once. He wouldn't come out of his room for a week.

Feimao: … Somehow I don't find that hard to believe at all.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5: In Which Peter Gets A Fork Taken Out Of His Butt**

Lucy: (to Clari and Tessa) And why're you standing in poor Mr Tumnus's masterpiece?

Tessa: (to Clari) You SEE? Mr Tumnus can COOK!

Clari: Well, Peter can… he can… PETER HAS NICE LIPS!

Lucy: (stamps foot) STOP IT!

Clari and Tessa: (freeze) …

Lucy: The two of you COME DOWN HERE AT ONCE and ACT YOUR AGE. If you refused to be at least CIVILIZED then you can both GET OUT OF MY CASTLE. AM I UNDERSTOOD?

Clari and Tessa: … (nod and climb down)

Lucy: … (cheers up suddenly) Good. Well! Let's not keep dinner waiting then…

Feimao: …

Vjl: …

Edmund: … (coughs discreetly) Uh… SO. How's Susan?

Lucy: (cutting slices of pavender and distributing them amongst the others) Oh, she's still unconscious, poor thing. She's resting in her room.

Edmund: Uh, that's- that's nice, that's very nice. (proceeds to eat without fuss)

Peter: (makes series of muffled choking sounds from under table)

Lucy: (perplexed) That's odd. I'm hearing things…

Clari: (gasps) PETER! (lifts tablecloth and dives under table)

Tessa: … LOOK, I have my own cool staff of rainbowness:) (waves staff about)

Lucy: (blink blink) "PETER"? (looks under table) PETER! What on earth are you doing under the table?

Peter: (climbs out from under table, looking dazed) Wha-?

Vjl: (mutters) Drats.

Feimao: He's got a fork stuck in his ass.

Lucy: (gasps) OH MY GOODNESS!

Clari: WHY IS THERE A FORK IN HIS BUTT?

Feimao: (perks up) Can I rip it out?

Clari: NO!

Edmund: … (to Feimao) You weren't aiming huh.

Feimao: (widens eyes) I wasn't! HONEST!

Vjl: Darn, I was hoping we could roll him down some stairs later…

Peter: (looks at fork) Oh, it's a fork. Nice fork…

Clari: DESPAIR NOT! I shall GENTLY take it out-

Tessa: Why isn't anyone looking at my rainbow staff?

Vjl: Because watching attempts to extricate cutlery from people's rear ends is fascinating?

Feimao: I STILL think we should rip it out…

Edmund: How deep did it go? Maybe if we're lucky, it's never coming out.

Lucy: Oh dear, Peter, I wish you'd be more careful around the silverware…

Peter: (still dazed) I wonder what forks eat for breakfast?

Tessa: Oatmeal. I have "oatmeal" in my head :)

Clari: Ya, in place of your brain.

Tessa: Do not insult the all-knowing pot of rainbows!

Lucy: (worriedly) I think we should get a doctor to-

Peter: AUGHHHHHH! (propels a mile high into air)

Feimao: (watches Peter's trajectory, holding fork in one hand) Wow…

Vjl: … You ripped it out, didn't you?

Edmund: … (clap clap clap clap clap)

Clari: You WHAAATTT!

Peter: (lands with a WHAM!) O-w-w-w…

Lucy: PETER! Oh no oh no oh no oh no, are you alright?

Peter: (mumbles vaguely into floor) Aha. You shall have the nice cup of tea. (passes out)

Clari: (hurls fistful of macaroni and cheese at Feimao) DAMN YOU!

Feimao: (ducks, allowing food to splatter all over Tessa)

Tessa: How DARE you splatter the all-knowing pot of rainbows! CHICKEN AVOCADO SANDWICH ATTACK! (flings plate of chicken avocado sandwiches at Clari)

Vjl: FOOD FIIIGHHHT! (throws lasagna at Feimao)

Feimao: (throws mashed potato at Clari)

Clari: (throws Froot Loops at Tessa)

Tessa: (throws brussel sprouts at unconscious Peter)

(silence)

Feimao: … Is it alive?

Clari: (fusses over Peter) AWAKE! AWAKE, MY LOVE!

Edmund: … (to Feimao) If I pass out, PLEASE don't do that to me.

Feimao: Nah, you won't pass out. Our mutually beneficial relationship won't allow it.

Edmund: Lady, I'm 12. I don't think I'm ready for ANY kind of relationship right now.

(out of the blue, a remote control drops into Feimao's lap)

Feimao: … (picks it up, inspects it, then aims it at Clari and presses "PAUSE")

Clari: AWAKE, MY GA- (freezes)

Everyone else: (stares) …

Feimao: … (face splits into a grin) OMGWTFBBQ#!

Edmund: … What?

Feimao: Sorry, I've always wanted to say that.

Vjl: Quick! Do another button!

Feimao: (aims remote at Peter and presses "FAST FORWARD")

Peter: (suddenly grows older)

Lucy: … He doesn't look 15 anymore.

Feimao: (checks screen on remote) Apparently I've fast-forwarded him to… 18 years of age. (blinks) Whoa. That's like 3 years in a mere 3 seconds!

Tessa: Ooooooh…

Feimao: (aims remote at Edmund and presses "FAST-FORWARD")

Edmund: (fast-forwards into a 16-year-old) What-

Lucy: Edmund! You've grown up too!

Feimao: (stares at Edmund)

Edmund: … You're scaring me. Don't do that.

Feimao: … (aims remote at Edmund and presses "RESET")

Edmund: (resets back into a 12-year-old) … Ok, what just happened?

Feimao: You sitting next to me as a 16-year-old hot guy is too distracting.

Vjl: (grins) I'll bet.

Feimao: (aims remote at Clari and presses "PLAY")

Clari: (resumes motion) –LLANT KNIGHT!

Lucy: (giggles)

Clari: (glares at Lucy) Shut up. (to Peter) OI! WAKE UP LAH!

Peter: (wakes up suddenly) GAH! WHAT? WHAT? IT WASN'T ME!

Vjl: … (slyly) What wasn't you?

Peter: I DIDN'T GET ANYONE PREGNANT! HONEST! I'M NOT LYING, I SWEAR!

Vjl: … A little over-defensive, don't you think?

Feimao: Come on, Viv, he can'tve gotten anyone pregnant when he was only 12. I mean, that's like- (looks at Edmund, who is blinking at his food) … Wait, forget it. I won't go there.

Lucy: Go where? Where're you going? (bewildered)

Feimao: (hotly) NEVER MIND.

Clari: SEE? Peter is INNOCENT.

Tessa: … (grins) Mr TUMNUS:)

Clari: Oh SHATTAP.

Vjl: There's nothing to disprove the girlfriend's existence though.

Feimao: Blah you, give me back those baby pictures before you crush them.

(silence)

Edmund: … You mean they're yours?

Feimao: My AUNT'S. That kid is my COUSIN, dammit, do I LOOK like… oh FFFISH AND CHIPS! (goes off to one corner to throw a tantrum)

Peter: … (timidly) So… does this mean I'm vindicated?

Vjl: Temporarily acquitted, until we find some other damning evidence.

Peter: But I- oh bother, where IS my left boot? (searches around)

Edmund: I think it landed in the beef stew.

Lucy: (sighs) So much for dinner…

Edmund: Cheer up, Lu. At least dessert escaped unscathed.

Lucy: Oh yes, that's true. Shall we eat dessert then?

Peter: (fishing around in stew for boot) What's for dessert?

Lucy: Pudding! Made specially by Mr Tumnus too!

Tessa: Ooooooh… I want:)

Clari: You want the PUDDING or the TUMNUS?

Tessa: BOTH:)

Peter: (fishes boot out of stew) AHA! There's the little blighter…

Clari: … This is SO NOT ROMANTIC!

Feimao: (comes over after tantrum fit) I've been here far longer than you have and I haven't had a single romantic moment either.

Vjl: Because that would be paedophilia XD

Feimao: Would NOT.

Clari: At least PETER'S 18.

Peter: (blinks) I am?

Feimao: Only because I fast-forwarded him by 3 years!

Peter: (blinks) … Is that why the floor seems further away than usual?

Tessa: (bangs rainbow staff noisily) DESSERT! PUDDING! THE TUMNUS:)

Mr Tumnus: (from kitchens) IN A MINUTE!

Tessa: (gasps) … (wide-eyed) That was the voice of… MR TUMNUS!

Clari: WILL YOU STOP THAT?


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6: In Which We All Have Some Pudding**

Feimao: Well, it's just Tessa's way of showing her affection for Tumnus.

Tessa: Ya! You don't see ME persecuting YOU when you do that "GALLANT KNIGHT!" thing.

Clari: … Aiya, whate-VERRR!

Feimao: Tessa – 1, Clari – 0.

Clari: DON'T PUSH IT.

Edmund: (holds up hand) Please don't fling anymore food around.

Vjl: There isn't much food left to fling around in the first place.

Peter: (fidgeting) I think there's something down my shirt…

Clari: (perks up) I'll get it out for you:)

Feimao: (gives Edmund a "told you so" look)

Edmund: (gives Feimao an "ok ok, I get the point" look)

Feimao: Clari, you are a PERV.

Clari: (offended) I am NOT! YOU'RE the psycho paedophile!

Feimao: At least I don't jump at the chance to look down his shirt!

Edmund: (exchanges bewildered glance with Lucy)

Clari: HA! But I bet you SECRETLY want to!

Feimao: (hotly) I do NOT!

Edmund: Er, look, could we PLEASE move on to less unsavoury conversational topics here?

Peter: (still fidgeting) I tell you, there's… SOMETHING down my shirt and it- AUGHHH! (jumps up and starts slapping at back)

Feimao: … (to Clari) You know, he isn't much of a dancer.

Tessa: It's the HAKA DANCE:)

Feimao: (nods) I do it LOADS better.

Clari: ALAMAK! (rushes to Peter's aid)

Peter: GET IT OUT! GET IT OUT!

Vjl: (dramatic gasp) It's ALIIIVE:O

Clari: EEE! Where? WHERE? Fear not, my love! I will help you! (tugs on Peter's shirt just as he is in the middle of attempting some complicated pseudo-somersault in the air)

(RRRRRRIP!)

Everyone: (stares)

Vjl: IT'S-

(something small and green drops out of Peter's torn shirt and rolls to a stop at Lucy's feet)

Lucy: … A brussel sprout.

Edmund: … Ok. That was an anti-climax.

Feimao: (points an accusatory finger at Clari) A-HA! You see? You ARE a perv! I never did THAT to Edmund!

Edmund: (discreet cough)

Clari: (points at Peter) Eh, he has a really nice physique ok!

Peter: Huh? (looks down at self) OMG! SOMEONE STOLE MY SHIRT!

(silence)

Feimao: (indicates ripped shirt in Clari's hands) Clari the Perv has it.

Peter: NOOO! I LIKED that shirt!

Edmund: Oh, stop being such a drama king…

Lucy: Ed's right, Peter. It's not that bad. You have dozens of other shirts that look almost the same anyway!

Peter: (sniff) But… (sob) But that was my FAVOURITE shirt!

Edmund: You big baby.

Feimao: Hey, I have an idea! Give me that shirt!

Clari: … NO! (hugs shirt to self protectively)

Feimao: (holds up remote control) I can repair it! I think.

Clari: You're not getting your evil psycho remote control anywhere NEAR it!

Feimao: Clari, you force me to do this…

Clari: Oh no, don't you D-

Feimao: (aims remote at Clari and presses "PAUSE")

Clari: (freezes)

Feimao: (goes over, aims remote at torn shirt and presses "RESET")

(shirt resets back into its original condition)

Feimao: … (smug grin) Am I a genius or am I a genius:)

Peter: My shirt! You fixed it! HURRAH! (rushes over and puts shirt back on)

Feimao: (aims remote at Clari and presses "PLAY")

Clari: -ARE! … WHERE IS THE SHIRT?

Vjl: Back where it ought to have stayed.

Peter: (wide smile) Look, everyone! I've got my shirt back:)

Edmund: (waves imaginary flag) Huzzah, whoo-pee.

Clari: Nooo! He looked nice without it!

Feimao: (sings) Perrrrrrvooo…

Tessa: (bangs table with staff) PUDDING! TUMNUS! NOWNOWNOW!

Mr Tumnus: (comes in with a tray of pudding) Coming, coming…

Lucy: Oh! The pudding's here!

Vjl: What kind is it?

Mr Tumnus: Custard. It's a new recipe. (distributes pudding)

Vjl: (pokes pudding suspiciously with fork) Is it edible?

Mr Tumnus: Oreius and the others seem to like it.

Lucy: (tries a bit) Mmm, it's delicious!

Mr Tumnus: Thank you. (to Tessa) Excuse me, miss, you're holding my tail.

Clari: Ayuh, stop molesting him!

Tessa: I'm not! Mr Tumnus's tail is nice to hold :)

Vjl: Tumnus fans of the world are screaming blue murder X)

Feimao: And Edmund fans (pats Edmund's head)

Clari: … And Peter's MINE (grabs Peter's arm)

Peter: (chokes violently on pudding)

Edmund: "Fans"?

Vjl: In the future, you have… (pauses for dramatic effect) FANS.

Lucy: You're from the future? (astounded)

Feimao: Technically. I mean, when you four got into Narnia, it was around the 1940s, but when WE got into Narnia, it was 2006. So maybe there was some kind of time warp along the way.

Lucy: How DID you get into Narnia in the first place? Did you use the wardrobe too?

Vjl: (matter-of-factly) We jumped down a manhole.

Feimao: While Clari and Tessa found some inexplicable way to get into Narnia by fish, haha.

Lucy: So what are these "fans" that we're going to have? Are they electric ones?

Vjl: … In a way X)

Lucy: That's nice…

Edmund: Wait a minute, how do fans scream blue murder then? Fans don't talk! All the noise they ever make is that annoying whirring humming sound.

Feimao: "Fans" are what we call people who are crazy about something. Take, for instance, Tessa-

Tessa: … (grins) MR TUMNUS:)

Feimao: - who is decidedly a Tumnus fan through and through.

Vjl: (to Feimao) While YOU are decidedly an Edmund fan through and through.

Feimao: Thaaat's right.

Clari: But I'M not a fan. I am Peter's ONE TRUE LOVE!

Feimao: Uh, sure. And now Peter fans of the world are going to hunt you down and kill you.

Clari: Too bad, I got here first.

Peter: (blinks) I didn't even know I HAD a One True Love.

Clari: Now you do.

Edmund: … (to Feimao) So are you a Fan or a One True Love?

Feimao: … (pats Edmund's head) A-HA-HA, I have no idea what you're talking about! (smiles)

Clari: She's a mildly psychotic Edmund devotee.

Feimao: Mm. (holds up spoonful of pudding for Edmund) Alright, say "AH"…

Edmund: Er, A-H.

Feimao: (feeds Edmund pudding)

Peter: Ed, you're such a baby-

Feimao: (throws random barbeque skewer into air, aims remote at it and presses "WTF", causing skewer to hover in midair for awhile before zooming straight for Peter)

Peter: AGH! (topples backwards in his chair so that the skewer embeds itself in the underside of the seat)

Vjl: … (to Peter) You know, you really asked for that one back there.

Lucy: (looks up from pudding) What? What happened? (notices Peter on the floor) Peter! Sit up straight when you eat! And take that skewer out of your chair.

Peter: BUT-

Clari: (to Feimao) YOU DO NOT FLING SHARP THINGS AT MY PETER!

Feimao: (sweetly) What sharp things, dear?

Clari: (narrows eyes) Don't you "DEAR" me, you LITTLE-

Feimao: (aims remote at Clari and presses "PAUSE")

(silence)

Edmund: We seem to be taking an awfully long time to eat dinner tonight.

Lucy: Well, I'm done with my pudding. I think I'll go ask the servants to help prepare the guest bedrooms.

Peter: Wait, what, you mean… these people are STAYING OVER? HERE?

Lucy: Hm? Don't be silly, Peter, of course they're staying over. They're our guests! (goes off)

Tessa: … MR TUMNUS:) (wanders off to the kitchens)

Peter: (feebly) May I put my chair back up?

Feimao: Apologise to Edmund first.

Edmund: … (looks expectantly at Peter, the ghost of a smirk on his face)

Peter: (mumbles from the floor) S-sorry…

Feimao: (holds up a steak knife) What? I didn't quite catch that.

Peter: (panics) I'M SORRY! I SAID "SORRY"! HONESTLY! I'M SORRY!

Feimao: (puts knife down)

Vjl: … I say, this pudding is superb.

Feimao: (to Edmund) More pudding?

Edmund: Er, no thanks, I'm full.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7: In Which Susan Has A Dental Appointment**

Peter: (rights chair but cautiously hides behind it) S-so… how long do you intend to stay in Narnia?

Feimao: Well, it's not like we even KNOW how to get back out of Narnia in the first place.

Vjl: Unless we fall UP the manhole, which defies all the laws of gravity.

Feimao: Who knows? Maybe you can just stand there and say something like, "Beam me up, Scotty!"

Edmund: Who's Scotty?

Feimao: Never mind. Figure of speech.

Peter: Wait a minute. So this means that… you'll be here for… for…

Vjl: (in a great booming thunder of the heavens, Zeus voice) ALL ETERNITYYY!

Feimao: … (jabs thumb in Vjl's direction) What she said.

Peter: … (whimpers and sinks to the floor out of view)

Edmund: (coughs) And during your stay for all eternity, you're going to… ?

Vjl: … (face splits into an evil grin)

Feimao: (stares at Vjl) Ok. That's downright nasty. Don't do that when I'm eating.

Edmund: But I'm not in any mortal peril right? I mean, I'm just a 12-year-old with a wonderful personality who just so happens to be a powerful king. (smiles innocently)

Feimao: And cute, you forgot to mention cute. But yeah, you're safe.

Vjl: For "just a 12-year-old kid", you sure know how to milk it for all it's worth.

Edmund: (shrugs) Hey, I had practise. Can you blame me?

Lucy: (enters) Alright! Your rooms are ready and- oh. (catches sight of frozen Clari) What happened to her?

Feimao: (all-knowingly) Rheumatism.

Lucy: Oh, ok. Should I fetch a doctor? It looks quite serious.

Feimao: No, it'll wear off soon. You were saying?

Lucy: Hm? I was- oh YES, I wanted to say that your rooms are ready. Have you finished dinner?

Vjl: … Pretty much.

Lucy: Alright then, I'll show you to your rooms.

Peter: (peeks out timidly from behind his chair) Um. Um. Um, may I be excused now?

Lucy: What? (laughs) Peter, you silly! You don't have to ask for MY permission to leave the table! (giggles as she goes off)

(silence)

Peter: (proceeds to cry into tablecloth)

Edmund: (to Feimao) Told you so.

_Lucy shows everyone to their adjacent guest bedrooms, with the exception of Clari, because her rheumatism was taking far longer to clear up than expected. Peter remains in the Dining Hall, being emo into the tablecloth, much to the perplexity of Mr Tumnus, who clears the dishes. Edmund decides to withdraw to the privacy of his room, no doubt to do something really cool and smart, because he's Edmund. So there. (3 guesses who wrote this paragraph)_

(an hour or so later, in Vjl's room)

Lucy: I do hope you'll enjoy your stay here! It's not often we get human visitors…

Vjl: I'm sure we'll make the most of it. Or at least Feimao will, in any case.

Lucy: Oh yes, on the subject of your friend, I've always wanted to ask her why she likes Edmund so much. Do you know?

Vjl: (in a sagely voice) Ah, that is because she is one of those post-pubescent girls who are attracted to the rubbish flowing in your brother's veins.

Lucy: (tries to digest all this very scientific information) I see…

Vjl: Hormones! They boggle the mind!

Feimao: (suddenly bursts in) I HAVE OFFICIAL COOL CAIR PARAVEL PYJAMAS!

Vjl and Lucy: (staaare) …

Vjl: I'm surprised you didn't steal a pair from Edmund.

Feimao: Nah, I won't wear them. Just use them as souvenirs.

Lucy: … You could ask him. I don't think he'd mind, really.

Tessa: (sitting atop a chest of drawers) I want TUMNUS PYJAMAS :)

(silence)

Feimao: Omg, do you have jiggy alien teleportation skills too?

Tessa: I have super rainbow teleportation skills! Look! (waves rainbow staff)

(frozen Clari, emo Peter, unconscious Susan and startled Edmund materialise out of nowhere)

Feimao: Oooh…

Edmund: (blinks) What was that?

Lucy: Our new friend just magicked you here with her super rainbow teleportation skills!

Tessa: It was COOOL, was it not:)

Lucy: (claps) Yes, it was very impressive!

Feimao: (catches sight of frozen Clari) Oh! That reminds me… (takes out remote control, aims at Clari and presses "PLAY")

Clari: -PIECE OF- eh. (is facing the wall)

Vjl: We're over here.

Clari: (turns around) Oh. … WHY ARE WE SUDDENLY IN A BEDROOM? (looks at emo Peter) AND WHAT EVIL SADISTIC HORRORS HAVE YOU INFLICTED ON MY PETER?

Feimao: … It wasn't me! Honest!

Clari: Oh YEAH, I am SO going to believe you!

Peter: (wails) I'm 18 but I'm not 18!

Feimao: (aims remote at Peter and resets him back to his proper age) There you go. Identity crisis solved.

Clari: EH! Don't do that! I WANT MY HOT 18-YEAR-OLD PETER!

Feimao: But it was causing him severe psychological trauma!

Clari: YOU are the severe psychological trauma!

Feimao: Oh FINE. (aims remote at Peter and fast-forwards him into an old wrinkly man)

Peter: … (smacks gums audibly)

Clari: ALAMAK! I said EIGHTEEN, not EIGHTY!

Feimao: OHH… (aims remote at Peter and rewinds him into an 18-year-old)

Peter: (blink blink) I was just having a thought. I can't remember.

Edmund: Did it have something to do with false teeth?

Clari: Dentures, they call them.

Peter: (pauses to think) I don't know…

Clari: (glares at Feimao) Now stop knocking my Peter about!

Vjl: You can't blame us. He's a fantastic victim.

Clari: (jabs finger at unconscious Susan on floor) Knock HER about.

Vjl: Uinconscious people don't respond as well. We must have LIVE SPECIMENS!

(outside the window, lightning flashes and thunder rumbles)

(silence)

Feimao: Do that again.

Vjl: (louder) LIVE SPECIMENS!

(more lightning and thunder)

Susan: (suddenly bolts upright in shock) AGHHHHHH!

Lucy: Su! You're awake at last!

Clari: A-HA! (triumphant look)

Feimao: Ok, we'll leave Peter alone for awhile.

Vjl: Fair enough! (rubs hands together expectantly) Now…

Susan: Where am I! Who are these people!

Lucy: (soothingly) Shh, it's ok, Su, you just had an accident earlier on. (to Peter) Could you look after her while I get the doctor? (starts out the room)

Peter: Wait! NO! Don't leave me alone with these… these…

Lucy: Don't be daft, Peter, I'll only take a minute. (goes off)

(silence)

Peter: (whimpers and crawls under the bed)

Clari: Eh! You're supposed to be GALLANT! Stand and fight! You are PETER THE MAGNIFICENT!

Peter: (from under the bed) I'll be magnificent under this bed, thank you.

Clari: (turns to Feimao) You SEE lah!

Feimao: (widens eyes) WHAAAT?

Clari: You knocked him about so much! Now he's MISERABLE!

Edmund: High King Peter the Miserable. Hm. Has a nice ring to it.

Clari: I DEMAND THAT YOU RESTORE MY PETER'S SHEER MAGNIFICENCE!

Vjl: Not that there's much to restore anyway…

Feimao: Exactly!

Clari: DO YOU WANT ME TO PULL OUT YOUR TEETH?

Tessa: Ooh, look, look! I have RAINBOW BRACES :D

Clari: Aiya, nobody CARES about your stupid multi-coloured dental fixtures!

Tessa: (offended) Huh! At least my braces are cooler than YOURS.

Susan: (blinks) What ARE braces?

Vjl: Metal things you stick in people's mouths to align their teeth properly.

Edmund: (winces) Ouch.

Feimao: (perks up) I say! Let's give Susan braces!

Susan: WHAT! NO! My teeth are perfectly fine!

Vjl: (to Feimao) Are you even QUALIFIED to do that?

Feimao: I had practise with my sister's old Play-Doh Dentist set.

Vjl: … Well. No worries then.

Clari: WHATEVER. Just LEAVE MY PETEY ALONE.

Peter: (from under the bed) My teeth are happy where they are!

Susan: So are mine!

Vjl: We'll never know without a proper check-up, now will we? (evil grin)

Edmund: But don't you need… special equipment?

Susan: Oh SHUT UP, Edmund, what would YOU know?

Edmund: (raises one eyebrow) Oh brilliant, Su, insult the ONE person here capable of saving you from a grisly fate.

Susan: Nonsense, I can fend for myself!

Edmund: Like how you fended for yourself back in the Lantern Waste?

(cue flashback of snowball KNOCK-OUT!)

Susan: Well… well, I don't need saving anyway! Especially not from my childish little brother! (folds arms and tries to look haughty)

Edmund: … (to Feimao) She's all yours.

Feimao: (pulls on a pair of latex gloves and smack the material against wrist loudly)

Susan: (pales) Um…

Feimao: (straps on a pair of ominous-looking googles and pulls on a surgeon's gown)

Susan: (pales even more) Um, alright, let's talk this out peacefully, shall we?

Feimao: (snaps fingers and a big black doctor's bag drops out of nowhere)

Susan: (starts to edge towards the door slowly) Can't we all just be diplomatic about this?

Feimao: Stooping to diplomacy now, are we?

Susan: Yes, diplomacy. There's really no need to… to resort to any (gulps) violence. Yes? (smiles weakly)

Feimao: … (to Vjl) Straps.

Vjl: (nods)

(suddenly, straps emerge from the floor and wrap themselves around Susan's limbs before pulling her down onto the floor)

Susan: (seriously panicking now) WAIT! WAIT! (struggles in vain) Alright, alright, I'm SORRY! Whatever it is, I'M SORRY! SINCERELY!

Feimao: (reaches into bag and pulls out an evil-looking pointy thing with a drill bit)

Susan: (blood drains from face) Oh GOD…

Tessa: Hey, wait a minute. How can you be "honestly" sorry when you don't even know what you're supposed to be sorry for?

Clari: Ah, the hypocrisy of it all! Tis sickening indeed…

Peter: … (from under the bed) My teeth are still happy. Very happy.

Clari: Yes, Man would even stoop so low as to sell his own soul in his pathetic attempts to preserve his own life.

Vjl: You know, she's only getting braces. We're not going to burn her or anything. Yet.

Clari: Aiya, I'm just trying to spice this up with my profound philosophical words of wisdom!

Feimao: Shush, this requires concentration. (switches evil-looking pointy drill thing on)

Susan: HEY! HEY, PUT THAT DOWN! Look, don't I at least get any ANAESTHETIC?

Vjl: You mean this? (holds up giant syringe full of bubbling purple liquid)

Susan: … AGHHHHHH! HELP! SOMEBODY! ANYBODY! HEEELLLLLLP! (struggles violently)

Feimao: Reinforcements!

(Vjl, Clari and Tessa move forward to hold Susan still)

Edmund: Don't I get to operate anything?

Feimao: Sure, you can have this. (takes a chainsaw out of bag and hands it to Edmund)

Edmund: (hefts it) And what am I supposed to do with it?

Feimao: Anything you like.

Edmund: … (smirks at panicking Susan)

Susan: OMG, don't you DARE, you treacherous little PEST!

Edmund: (to Feimao) Shall we?

Feimao: (holds up drill) Ok. (lowers voice for dramatic effect) We're going in.

**THE FOLLOWING SEGMENT WILL ONLY CONTAIN SPEECH AND SOUND BYTES AS THE ACTION IS TOO HORRIFIC TO FATHOM AND WOULD ONLY HAVE TO BE CENSORED. THIS IS NOT FOR THE FAINT-HEARTED. IF YOU ARE SQUEAMISH ABOUT EXTREMELY UNORTHODOX ORTHODONTIC TREATMENT, PLEASE PROCEED TO NEXT CHAPTER.**

(sounds of intense metallic drilling and whirring and sawing, plus a whole lot of screaming)

Feimao: Hold her still!

Clari: HOLDING LAH!

Feimao: Not still enough!

Vjl: I knew we should've used the anaesthetic.

Feimao: Laser! The laser!

Clari: Aiya, HURRY UP LAH! I'm tired of kneeling on her hand.

Tessa: Eh, at least you got her hand. I have to sit on her stinky feet!

Feimao: Viv! Hook this inside and tug her upper lip up. I need a clear view.

Vjl: You sure you want to use that?

Feimao: Yeah, you're right, use the meathook instead. Alright, Clari, reach over and push her head down. She won't stop moving it.

Clari: You think what? Playing Twister ah!

Feimao: Just DO it!

Tessa: I CALL UPON THE MIGHTY POWERS OF RAINBOWNESS!

(some static interference here)

Vjl: (whistles) Wow, rainbow straps.

Tessa: Cool right:D

Feimao: Ok, are we secure?

Clari: Yes yes, hurry up. Fastly!

Tessa: That's not even a real word.

Clari: Oh, and "RAINBOWNESS" is! (snorts)

Feimao: Edmund! The braces!

Edmund: I can't find them! (sound of things being tossed around)

Feimao: They're next to the blowtorch!

Edmund: Aha! Okay, catch!

Feimao: Thanks. Come to think of it, pass me the blowtorch too.

Edmund: Here you go.

Vjl: Everybody, GOGGLES ON!

(sounds of fumbling and goggle straps snapping into place)

Feimao: SOUND OFF! 5!

Tessa: 4!

Clari: 3!

Vjl: 2!

Edmund: 1!

Feimao: IGNITION! (sound of blowtorch flaring to life and a LOT of screaming)

(Kshhh! HOLD HER! HOLD- kshhh! SCALPEL! QUI-kshhh! Kshhh! Kshh- URRY UP! Kshhh! Ksh- UPERGLUE! SUPERG- kshhh! NEED MORE- kshhh! POWER! Kshhh!)

Vjl: (suddenly and very loudly) LIVE SPECIMENS!

(thunder crashing away like mad)

(KSHHH! OMG- kshh- IT'S… ALIIIVE!...)


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8: In Which Clari Gets Called Something Nasty In Chinese**

Peter: (pokes head out from under bed) … Is it dead?

Edmund: I think that last exclamation of, "IT'S… ALIIIVE!" might help answer your question.

Peter: (crawls over to Susan) Ick. (pokes Susan) Susan? Susan, is that you?

Susan: Uerghhh…

Edmund: (cheerfully) Yep. That's Susan.

Feimao: SUCCESS! There's only ONE explanation for this…

Tessa: There's an explanation? What?

Feimao: I am… (pauses for dramatic effect) … a CHILD PRODIGY. (beams)

Clari: (shoots Tessa a look) Oh yes, you HAD to ask. You HAD to help fuel her already-swollen ego.

Tessa: Whaaat?

Feimao: I am not ego!

Clari: Your ego is even bigger than my DAD'S! Anyway, "child prodigy" implies that you're a child, which you are not, because you are already 16.

Vjl: And therefore no longer a minor, whereas he (points at Edmund) is only 12, making him 4 years your junior. You paedooo…

Feimao: (sits on floor and kicks legs, sulking) I am NOT paedo!

Clari: … Ok, I take back the "you are not a child" comment. But you are still paedo.

Feimao: Oh come on, you CAN'T tell me he's not unbelievably cute for a boy! (gestures at Edmund)

Edmund: … (innocent look)

Clari: He's not cute at all! He's like that scary kid from The Omen!

Feimao: Which makes him all the more cute!

Clari: Eeyuh, why are you so lusty for little boys?

Feimao: I AM NOT LUSTY!

Clari: Then why do you keep clinging on to him relentlessly like the Old Man of the Sea?

Feimao: I'm not clinging on to him NOW, am I!

Clari: Wuvver. I tire of debating with you when I am OBVIOUSLY right. STUPID.

Feimao: As IF. Fine, give me solid evidence that liking Edmund qualifies as paedoness.

Clari: … It's like having –bleep– with an ugly toddler :D

Feimao: IT IS NOT! DX

Vjl: He IS still a minor. You can't dispute that.

Feimao: SHEESH. (aims remote at Edmund and fast-forwards him into a 16-year-old again) THERE! NOW he isn't!

Edmund: Er…

Vjl: Hmm, I suppose puberty has already kicked in by now.

Edmund: What? (blinks)

Vjl: … Or not.

Clari: (to Feimao) EH! That's CHEATING!

Feimao: Oh yeah, and turning Mr I-will-be-magnificent-under-the-bed here (indicates Peter) into an 18-year-old isn't!

Susan: My mowf feelsh funny.

Tessa: Braces take some getting used to. One day you shall be able to speak as awesomely as ME:)

Susan: Buh I doh wanna shpeak like THISH faw duh resh uf my LIFFFE!

Feimao: If you refine it a bit, you'll sound like Sean Connery.

Clari: BLASPHEMY. Sean Connery is THE ONE AND ONLY. Plus he doesn't blow spit about on his plosives.

Feimao: … Why are you so lusty for old men?

Clari: Eh, Sean Connery is COOL ok!

Peter: … (to Edmund) Lucy seems to be taking quite a long time to get the doctor.

Edmund: (shrugs) Maybe she got (cough) distracted along the (cough) way. Ugh, I think I'm (cough) coming down with something.

Feimao: Probably just sorethroat from all that shouting just now. Here, have a Strepsil.

Edmund: A what? (cough)

Feimao: Strepsil. Lozenge. Good for sorethroat.

Edmund: (eyes lozenge warily) Why's it that awful shade of yellow?

Feimao: It's honey-and-lemon-flavoured. Go on, take it. You KNOW you're the only person here safe from my diabolical antics.

Edmund: (mumbles) Gosh, thanks. (pops Strepsil in mouth and wrinkles nose in distaste) This tastes (cough) funny.

Vjl: You'll get used to it.

Feimao: (thoughtfully) I went on a Strepsil binge once…

Clari: Eee, substance abuser.

Feimao: They tasted nice! For that week. After that, I lost interest and went back to chocolate.

Susan: (perks up) Chocolate? I'd luff shum chocolate! Where? (looks around eagerly)

Tessa: You just got braces! Nooo chocolate!

Susan: (crestfallen) Sho when can I eat chocolate again?

Tessa: NEVERRR…

Clari: For the rest of your life!

Susan: WHAT?

Tessa: Your braces aren't as cool as mine, by the way. Mine are the COOLEST :D

Edmund: (to Feimao) I think I've (cough) finished the Streppythingummy you gave me.

Feimao: What! So fast?

Edmund: Well, it's (cough) not in my mouth anymore.

Feimao: Did you swallow it?

Edmund: No.

Feimao: Alright, here, have another.

Edmund: Thank you. (cough)

Susan: What doesh my getting bracesh haff to do wiff not getting to eat chocolate!

Tessa: It'd get stuck to your braces and never come off and kill your teeth.

Susan: BUH I DOH NEED THEESH SHTUPID BRACESH IN THE FIRSH PLAYSH!

Edmund: Tch. Now who's the (cough) childish one?

Peter: … If Susan can't eat chocolate, can I have her share:)

Vjl: No.

Peter: (whines) Whyyy?

Vjl: We don't HAVE any chocolate in the first place.

Peter: Noooooo…

Edmund: (cough) Yes, Peter, very tragic.

Peter: (sniffs and stares at feet dejectedly) I don't want to live anymore.

Edmund: Oh (cough) grow a spine, for Aslan's sake!

Clari: (to Peter) NO! You must LIVE! Be MAGNIFICENT:

Peter: I don't want to be magnificent! (sinks into depression)

Clari: (rounds on Feimao) WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM!

Feimao: (raises eyebrows) Ah, we're back to this now, are we?

Clari: It's all your stupid remote's fault lah! GIVE!

Feimao: Give what?

Clari: Your remote!

Feimao: What about my remote?

Clari: Give it to me!

Feimao: What for?

Clari: So I can restore my Peter to his original state of gloriousness!

Feimao: "Glory".

Clari: What?

Feimao: "Glory", not "gloriousness".

Clari: Wuvver. Now give.

Feimao: (blinks) Give what?

Clari: ARGHHH! (lunges at Feimao)

Feimao: (steps aside at the last minute, letting Clari tumble through the doors)

(outside: OW!)

Susan: (strains to look outside) Lushee? Ish tha you?

Lucy: (pokes head in) Yes?

Susan: Wha happerd?

Lucy: WELL, I went to fetch the doctor but on the way, I happened to run into Mr Tumnus outside the kitchens and he was looking rather depressed so I asked him what was wrong and he said that while washing the dishes something came up out of the sink and it stank something awful and wouldn't go away so we had to go look for something to force it back down the pipe but (Peter: … Somebody STOP her.) there was such a terrrific fuss because it just REFUSED to go away and hurled some of the brussel sprouts at us so we had to use the platters as shields and try to knock it out with the soup ladles (Vjl: Is she saying all this in one breath?) which we eventually DID but we STILL had to find a way to get rid of it and it wouldn't budge down the sink so we had no choice but to roll it out the kitchen window and onto the rhodendrons below which I thought was a pity but at least Mr Tumnus can now get his washing done without any trouble and I could get back to fetching the doctor, which I have and so HERE I AM! (beams proudly)

Peter: … And… where IS the doctor?

Lucy: Oh. There. (points at heap on floor outside)

Feimao: (peers outside) Wow. Clari bowled herself a strike.

Vjl: Of one dwarf.

Feimao: It's a knock-out! (throws hands in air with a cheer)

Vjl: … What was that?

Feimao: I was attempting a one-mao Kallang Wave!

Vjl: You mean "one-man".

Feimao: No, I mean "one-mao", "mao" as in "Feimao" mao.

Lucy: (bites lip) I don't think a doctor'll be of much use unconscious like that.

Susan: (grumbles) Tha goesh wifout shaying…

Lucy: (suddenly notices Susan's braces) Susan! Why do you have a bear trap in your mouth!

Tessa: They are called BRACES:) By super intelligent people. Like me.

Lucy: (stares in shock) What EVER are they for!

Susan: (points at Feimao and Vjl and Tessa) They FORSHED it on me! They performed an ILLEGAL operashun!

Feimao: Oh, don't be such a baby.

Edmund: (in his best annoying grown-up voice) They ARE for your own good, Susan.

Susan: (glares at Edmund) "For my own good"? I'd like to know how having theesh ghashly bitsh of metal in my mouf'sh "FOR MY OWN GOOD"!

Edmund: For one thing, you'll talk a lot less once you get tired of listening to your lisping.

Peter: (claps) Oh, HURRAH! (catches sight of Susan's glare) Um, I mean, uh, that's, that's terrible. (nods solemnly)

Susan: (to Edmund) At leash I doh haff a hoarsh voish like yoursh. You shound awfoo.

Edmund: (clears throat) At least I don't have to SHPEAK LIKE THISH for the rest of my LIFFFE.

Susan: Oh, SHARRUP.

Lucy: (to Edmund) Actually, Susan does have a point. What IS the matter with your voice, Ed?

Edmund: I think it's a sorethroat. It'll go off soon, I expect.

Lucy: And you LOOK different too. (stares) Did I miss something? (blinks)

Edmund: (cheerfully) Well, I'm taller.

Feimao: And 16.

Edmund: Yeah, that too. (coughs) And I think I finished that last cough sweet.

Feimao: Feeling any better?

Edmund: Not really. They're not very effective. (on this last word, his voice goes a bit wonky)

(pause)

Edmund: (blinks) Alright. That was… strange.

Vjl: I think I know what's happening. (to Edmund) You're 16 right?

Edmund: I'm supposed to be 12, actually.

Vjl But PHYSICALLY you're 16. And you're taller, so you've had your growth spurt.

Feimao: (widens eyes) Don't tell me-

Vjl: (matter-of-factly) His voice is breaking.

(silence)

Edmund: What?

Vjl: That means your voice is going to get a lot deeper than it used to be. It's a puberty thing.

Edmund: And this explains why I'm going mental for the cough sweets?

Vjl: In a nutshell, yes.

Feimao: Aww, that's so cute. (at this, Clari suddenly regains consciousness)

Clari: My Peter is cuter! Plus he has nice lips.

Feimao: (to Clari) Guai tai. (literal Chinese translation: "weird foetus". Generally, it's just a way of saying "weirdo".)

Clari: Oh, LOOK WHO'S TALKING!

Feimao: Weirdo pervo.

Clari: (starts towards Feimao but trips over doctor's legs, falls over and knocks herself out all over again)

Vjl: … (to Feimao) Why is it that any attempt to do you bodily harm always backfires?

Feimao: Ah, that is because I am all-powerful :D

Edmund: … You know, that's actually rather terrifying.

**A SPECIAL SEGMENT FOR OUR REVIEWERS**

Feimao: Hello everyone! This is Feimao of The Mysteries of Life fame.

Icky Me: And this is Feimao's Inner Critic-

Feimao: You're an Inner Boring Person.

Icky Me: -very unceremoniously christened "Icky Me".

Feimao: You ARE icky. It's a terribly apt name.

Icky Me: Look, is this going anywhere?

Feimao: Oh alright, this is the bit where both me's- Cool Me, that's me, and Icky Me, that's me over there- say a big thank you to all you people who've put up with our rubbish.

Icky Me: We don't know how you do it.

Feimao: Unfortunately, Vjl isn't here to give her part of our big thank you speech because she's too busy scaring innocent jars of jam out there or something. So I will just do this in as systematic an order as I can manage, starting from the bottom.

Icky Me: "Systematic" huh. This I have to see…

Feimao: To our first reviewer, 5t3f, who is well on her way to perfecting her method of using l33t in everyday speech-

Icky Me: However THAT is managed.

Feimao: Ok, yeah, we're weird but we are COOL-ly weird. And I am passionate bordering on obsessed.

Icky Me: Oh HAA, you should have your own show.

Feimao: The normal world is not ready for me yet. I am too cool for it.

Icky Me: Whatever. Next.

Feimao: Yiling, oh friend of Stef, I'm not the foremost expert in the field of Turkishdelightology, so I'm not sure if thay have democratic electoral systems. However, worry not, for once I manage to catch one of the little blighters, I will ask it and get back to you on the subject.

Icky Me: I can't believe I'm hearing all this drivel.

Feimao: Clari, I have kept my promise but not for the existence of the lips. I am leaving Peter alone out of the sheer goodness of my heart. Whether Vivien will consent to leaving him alone is another matter.

Icky Me: Sadists, the lot of you.

Feimao: Tessa, O Great All-Knowing Pot of Rainbows, trusted Minister for Muffins, and Secretly A Child Genius, long live thy humbleness. May we all vomit blood the day your humbleness ceases to exist.

Icky Me: I itch to correct your grammar but I will restrain myself.

Feimao: marieken, we can, like, dig your name. Thank you very much for the review and the fave. You can now see that your perfectly sensible plea hath not fallen on deaf ears.

Icky Me: Oh, the HORRORS it entails…

Feimao: penguinsrock12, I have only one thing to say- JELLIED DESSERTS OF THE WORLD, UNITE!

Icky Me: Look, what do you have against the concept of a simple "thank you"?

Feimao: It's BOOORING. Like you.

Icky Me: I am NOT boring!

Feimao: You are now standing deep in the Nile.

Icky Me: I am nowhere NEAR the Nile!

Feimao: islington bus no. 199, crazy is our business. If you can take it, we can dish it out. If you can't, we dish it out all the same and even give second helpings. We're glad you find it funny.

Icky Me: Even though I don't.

Feimao: Also, thank you to Vjl, my partner-in-crime, who started this whole thing with me over MSN.

Icky Me: I can't believe how JUVENILE you people are! I mean, SIXTEEN-YEAR-OLDS doing this sort of thing is just unacceptable!

Feimao: Obviously YOU'VE never been a kid so we don't expect you to understand.

Icky Me: If only these people KNEW all the utterly unbelievably STUPID things you've done-

Feimao: Do NOT mention the bank job!

Icky Me: I wasn't going to mention the bank job because that was stupidity on an entirely new level for you but-

Feimao: It was NOT stupid!

Icky Me: The DUMBEST thing I've ever been forced to witness in my entire-

Feimao: I pulled it off! I pulled it off, it was a FLAWLESS execution of a BRILLIANT plan!

Icky Me: Can we PLEASE put the bank job aside first?

Feimao: Fine, be immature. ANYWAY, hats off to Clari and Tessa, my wonderful co-stars. Thank you for not coming after me with defamation suits. And Vjl says, "I'd also like to tell everyone here what a freak I am by saying that I like fish and eggs are evil."

Icky Me: And I'm just going to butt out of this now that your psycho friend is back from her jam-licking exploits.

Feimao: Vivien!

Vjl: I have been misquoted!

Feimao: Heehee :D

Vjl: Noooooo… The tyranny! The injustice!

Feimao: The funness!

Vjl: I will expose your betrayal on the comments board! Nuuuuuu…

Feimao: Ni:)


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9: In Which We Find Out Just How Hard It Is To Get Edmund Out Of Bed**

(THE NEXT MORNING, in Edmund's bedroom…)

Peter: Psst! Ed!

Edmund: (mumbles vaguely)

Peter: Edmund! (prods Edmund's shoulder) Wake up!

Susan: I tell you, ish no yoosh. He could shleep through World War Three.

Lucy: (yawns) Oh Peter, is it really necessary to wake us all up this early in the morning? It's not even sunrise yet!

Peter: (studiously ignores Lucy) Edmund! Get up! Quick! (pokes Edmund somemore)

Edmund: (finally snaps…) ARGHH!! (… and kicks Peter away forcefully before going back to sleep)

Peter: (on floor) O-w.

Susan: (sniffs) I told you sho.

Lucy: (sighs and pats Edmund on the head gently) Edmund? Come on, wake up. Peter says he's got something really important to discuss.

Edmund: Mughh…

Lucy: What was that?

Edmund: (pulls covers over head) Go 'way.

Peter: That's it, I've had enough! (gets up, seizes Edmund's foot and attempts to drag him off the bed)

Edmund: Ow, stop it!

Peter: GET-OUT-OF-BED!

Edmund: NO!! (twists and kicks Peter in the face with his free foot)

Peter: OW!! (lets go and clutches his nose) Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow!

Lucy: (sleepily) Now, Ed, that's not nice…

Edmund: (rolls over and tries to go back to sleep)

Susan: Thish ish shuch a waysh of my time.

Lucy: (yawns) Peter, can we go back to sleep? We can discuss whatever you want to discuss over breakfast.

Peter: (still clutching his nose) By dose! By dose! (translation: My nose! My nose!)

Susan: Yesh, Peter, now can we PLEASH go back to shleep?

Peter: We cad't! Dis is IBPORTADT! (translation: We can't! This is IMPORTANT!)

Edmund: (from under his blankets) Whatever it is, it can wait another 4 hours.

Peter: Aha! So you ARE awake!

Edmund: Not for long, I'm not…

Peter: Just LISSED to be for awhile! (translation: Just LISTEN to me for awhile!)

Edmund: I have. For the past 5 minutes. So go away.

Susan: Oh, shtop being shuch an obnoxshus brat, Edmund.

Lucy: (proceeds to fall asleep standing up)

Peter: Look, I wod't take log- (translation: Look, I won't take long-)

Edmund: Ha-ha. Give us another.

Peter: -gradted you dod't idterrubt be- (translation: -granted you don't interrupt me-)

Edmund: Aslan forbid…

Peter: -ad dod't thig I cad't hear the sarcasb id your voice! (translation: -and don't think I can't hear the sarcasm in your voice!)

Edmund: Wouldn't dream of it.

Peter: … Oh, HAG ID ALL!!! (translation: Oh, HANG IT ALL!!!) (grabs blanket and tears it away from Edmund)

Edmund: (sits up) WHAT!!!

Peter: I've HAD ID wid your additude! Dow, GET OUT OF BED. (translation: -resigns-)

Edmund: (sticks tongue out at Peter) Make me.

Peter: As High Kig of Dardia, I ORDER you out of bed this IDSTADT!

Edmund: Yeah? You and what miserable army?

Peter: THEB! (turns around and catches sight of Lucy, who is sleeping standing up, and Susan, who is dozing off on the carpet) HEY!!

Edmund: (takes advantage of this momentary distraction and snatches his blanket back)

Peter: (turns back to Edmund and notices he's taken the blanket) HEY!!!

Edmund: Yes, Peter, we know you have an amazing vocabulary…

Peter: Edbudd, I'b WARDIG you. Get out of bed dow or I'll BAD you frob Turkish Delight. FOREVER.

Edmund: (suddenly sits up and glares at Peter) You WOULDN'T.

Peter: I jolly well would!

Edmund: You're only bluffing! You don't have that kind of power!

Peter: GET OUT OF BED OR ELSE-

Edmund: What're you going to do, NOSEBLEED on me?

Peter: (prods Susan viciously) SUSAD!

Susan: Ow! What ish wrong wif you?!

Edmund: (mutters under breath) Brain disease…

Peter: I HEARD that!

Edmund: Oh, well done you.

Peter: Susad, you're subbosed to HELB be get hib out of bed!

Susan: Oh, for HEAVENSH SHAKE, Peter, we're all utterly TIRED! Can't you just tell ush over breakfash?

Peter: I cad't! This is ad EXTREBELY IBPORTADT, TOP SECRET, HIGHLY CLASSIFIED batter!

Edmund: Oh SHUT UP, SHUT UP, I can't take anymore of your speech impedimenta!

Peter: YOU broke by dose!

Edmund: YOU asked for it!

Edmund: Oh, shtop it, Edmund, thish ish ridiculoush.

Edmund: (mimics Susan) SHPEAK FOR YOURSHELFFF.

Susan: (stamps foot) You boysh are shuch SHTUPID, JUVENILE, INSHENSHITIVE, SHELF-SHENTERED PRIGS!!

Lucy: (suddenly blurts out in her sleep) Onnne chicken drumstick!

Everyone: …

Peter: Ok. Thad was just dowdright disturbig.

Susan: (shakes Lucy's shoulders gently) Lu? Lushee?

Lucy: (yawns and blinks groggily) Hm?

Peter: Alright, everybody, wake up! This is ad ebergedcy!

Lucy: (sleepily) Why? What's happened?

Edmund: Peter cracked his head open.

Lucy: (still half-asleep) That's terrible… (yawns)

Peter: I did DOT!

Susan: Jush GET ON WIF IT, Peter!

Peter: Hasd't it occurred to you that we could very well be facig a crisis here?

Edmund: Yeah, YOU are the crisis.

Peter: We're beig IDVADED! Dod't you SEE? All those deradged people frob yesterday're idvadig Dardia right udder our doses!

Edmund: The horror.

Peter: It's all fide for YOU because that psychotic thig with the rebote is cobpletely obsessed with you!

Edmund: Can I help it if I'm lovable?

Peter: (glares) TRAITOR.

Edmund: Oh, THERE'S something I've never been called before.

Peter: While YOU take advadtage of this, WE'RE sufferig for it!

Edmund: That's just you and Susan! Look at Lucy! She's fine!

Lucy: (starting to nod off but jerks awake at her name) What? What? (looks around)

Edmund: Peter thinks our guests are trying to invade Narnia.

Lucy: Oh, NONSENSE, Peter, you're over-reacting!

Peter: "Over-reactig"? "OVER-REACTIG"?! Look at SUSAD! (points at Susan, who has managed to doze off again on the carpet)

Lucy: (bends over to examine her) Why? What's wrong?

Peter: … They DAILED thigs to her TEETH!

Lucy: Well, Edmund DID say it was for her own good.

Peter: Havig all that clockwork welded to your teeth is GOOD?

Edmund: You think THAT'S good, wait till you see THIS. (takes out his crown and holds it near Susan's mouth)

(mild static crackles, followed by-)

Voice: -scattered showers over some areas, with temperatures peaking at-

Edmund: (moves crown)

(country and western music twangs from within the recesses of Susan's mouth)

Edmund: (puts crown back in his drawer)

(music snaps off abruptly)

Peter: … Well… well, I'll be jiggered. (stares at Susan)

Lucy: Wow. (blinks)

Edmund: It only works if you put something metallic near it.

Peter: I'll have a go at it! (unsheaths sword and waves it around inches away from Susan's face)

Lucy: Oh, DO BE CAREFUL, Peter!

Voice: - which is an excellent fertiliser if you-

Peter: (moves sword)

Voice: -epent! The End is NIIIGH, I say, RE-

Peter: (moves sword again)

(classical music snaps on)

Peter: (grins) I say, this is rather fud.

Edmund: Told you.

Susan: (stirs and blinks sleep from eyes) Here, whatsh all thish commosh- (notices Peter's sword in her face) – AGHHHHHH!!!

Peter: AAAGGGHHHHHH!!! (hastily withdraws sword, accidentally lopping off some of Susan's long hair)

Susan: (stares in horror) MY HAIR! WHAT HAFF YOU DONE TO MY HAIR?!

Peter: (throws sword aside and holds hands up in surrender) It was ad accidedt!

Susan: Oh, I'll show YOU an ACSHIDENT! (takes off slipper and flings it at Peter, whacking him in his already-broken nose)

Peter: AUGHHHHHH!!!!!! (a new fountain of blood erupts from his nose)

Edmund: … (grins and turns to Susan) Do that again.

Lucy: (eyes widen in horror) Oh, Peter! Peter!

Peter: (clutching his nose) OWWWWWW!!! OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW-

Lucy: Peter, hold still!

Peter: -OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW-

Lucy: Take your hands away, I'm trying to see how bad it is!

Peter: -OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW-

Lucy: (loses her temper, takes off her slipper and whacks Peter over the head with it) Will you STOP THAT!

Peter: (gets knocked out and collapses on the floor)

Lucy: (stares at unconscious Peter) … Oh dear.

Edmund: (climbs over to peer at Peter over the edge of the bed) … Ouch.

Susan: (goes over to stare as well) Ish he dead?

Edmund: There is NO way my luck is that good.

Lucy: Oh dearohdearohdearohdear…

Susan: Shumone should get him shum shmelling shaltsh.

Edmund: He doesn't even have anything to SMELL with! (gestures at Peter's nose. or what's left of it anyway.)

Susan: Ugh, he looksh like he got mauled.

Edmund: Mauled by a slipper. The classics never die.

Lucy: (wrings hands in despair) Whatdowedowhatdowedowhatdowedo?

Susan: Calm down, Lushee, we'll think of shumthing.

Edmund: … (look of genuine perplexity) WHY?

Susan: (shoots Edmund a glare)

Lucy: (sobbing) Oh, I shouldn't have lost my temper! This is all my fault!

Susan: No, it ishn't! Ed wash the one who broke Peter'sh noshe in the firsh plashe!

Edmund: And YOU mauled the rest of it with your killer slipper.

Susan: Oh, QUIET, QUIET!

Lucy: (hiccoughs miserably)

Susan: Let'sh not make more a of fushh than we already haff. The LASHH thing we need is-

Feimao: (suddenly bursts in holding a glue gun) EVERYBODY LISTEN U- oh. (notices the Pevensies) … I take it this isn't the Bank of Narnia.

Edmund: Er, no, this is my room.

Susan: AGHHHHHH!!! (points at Feimao in horror)

Lucy: Oh, thank Aslan, it's you!

Susan: (makes sign of the cross) DON'T COME ANY CLOSER, YOU FIEND!!

Lucy: Susan! Don't be rude!

Feimao: Exactly! (fires a blob of gooey glue at Susan, sealing her mouth shut)

Susan: (continues to silent-scream obscenities at Feimao)

Feimao: Now! (sidles over to Lucy's side) What seems to be the problem?

Edmund: … That. (indicates Peter)

Feimao: Yeah, I know, he's such a pain.

Lucy: No, it's his nose.

Feimao: (looks closer) Oh.

Lucy: He won't wake up! Oh PLEASE PLEASE help us!

Feimao: Man. That's, er, (cough) some nose job.

Edmund: It's not all it's cracked up to be.

Feimao: I'll say.

Lucy: (close to tears again) You CAN fix it, can't you?

Feimao: Never fear, FEIMAO is here :)

Susan: (in hysterics)


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10: In Which**** Lucy Isn't Very Good At Charades**

Feimao: (examines the damage) Hmm… This is complicated.

Lucy: Will he be alright? He won't die, will he?

Edmund: It's just a broken nose, Lucy.

Lucy: (sobs) But… but it looks TERRIBLE! Wh-what if he NEVER recovers?

Edmund: (sighs) He'll be fine. He's resilient. Like a cockroach.

Feimao: Hey, did you know that cockroaches can survive for weeks without their heads?

Edmund: Is that so?

Feimao: Yeah, I read it somewhere.

Edmund: … (turns to study Peter with new interest)

Susan: (glares at Edmund) MMNGM! GNM MN NGMM!

Lucy: Oh, poor Peter!

Feimao: (pats Lucy on the head) There, there, it's not so bad. I can handle this. All we have to do is piece it back together. How hard can that be?

Edmund: Considering the fact that all we have are our bare hands and a gun that shoots gooey stuff, I'd say this could get sticky.

Feimao: No kidding.

Susan: (to Lucy) MMHNG! MM HNGGNM!

Lucy: What? What?

Susan: MM HNGGNM! (balls fist and waves it around wildly)

Lucy: I-I don't understand you…

Feimao: OOH, charades! I love this game:)

Susan: MMNG! (points at Peter) MGHNN MM, KKK! (points at nose and makes exploding gesture with hands)

Edmund: That's one way of putting it.

Susan: MNGM! (points at Lucy) GMM MM MMNG HNGGNM! (tilts head back and puts hand to mouth) MNHMGN?!

Lucy: … Y-you want us to glue Peter's nose back on?

Feimao: (brightens) That's it! What a BRILLIANT idea, I'll get right on it! (raises glue gun)

Susan: (frantically flails arms) NMMMMMM!!! (tries to rip glue blob from mouth) MMHGNEE! MM HNGGNM!

Lucy: What? What?

Susan: HNGGNM!! (makes drinking motion again)

Edmund: … Maybe she's thirsty?

Lucy: Oh. Is that it, Susan? Do you want a glass of water?

Susan: (silent screams in frustration and dashes out of the room)

Edmund: Well. … THAT was… interesting.

Lucy: (forlornly) I'm afraid I'm not very good at this game…

Edmund: I'm sure you'll get better with, er, lots of practise.

Lucy: I do hope so. I think Susan's rather cross with me for not being a good guesser.

Feimao: Cheer up yo! We'll play a different game now :)

Lucy: (puzzled) We will?

Feimao: (indicates Peter) Jigsaw puzzle:D

Edmund: I'm not touching THAT!

Feimao: You won't have to. Tongs all around! (distributes pairs of barbeque tongs)

Lucy: (blinks at tongs) What're we supposed to do with these?

Feimao: Just pick up whatever bit of nose you can find (picks up piece of lint), position it like so (deposits lint on mess of Peter's face), and I'll just stick it back on like THIS- (aims gun and…)

Susan: (bursts into the room) MMHGNEE! (waves Lucy's bottle of cordial around) HNGGNM! HNGGNM!!

Lucy: (gasps) My cordial!

Edmund: (mumbles) Bother…

Feimao: (to Susan) Oh poop, you're no fun at all!

Lucy: (takes cordial and drips a drop on what used to be Peter's nose)

(Peter's nose pieces itself back together.)

Everyone: …

Feimao: Let's see that again. (takes out remote, aims at Peter's nose and presses "REWIND")

(Peter's nose takes itself apart.)

Feimao: (presses "REPLAY", "SLOW MOTION")

(Peter's nose pieces itself back together very slowly.)

Everyone: …

Feimao: This is the coolness man :D

Peter: (groans)

Lucy: Peter! You're alright!

Peter: (blinks groggily) Where am I? Am I dead? (raises head and catches sight of Feimao holding glue gun and tongs) … Am I in Hell?

Feimao: Oh, you think?

Peter: (turns head and catches sight of Edmund sulking at his pair of tongs) … Yes.

Lucy: Oh don't be silly, Peter, you're not in Hell! You're alive! Look!

Peter: (sits up and blinks at surroundings) Hey, wait a minute, I remember thi- AHA!! (jumps up) I hereby call a secret council to decide how to deal with the invaders!

Feimao: Ooh, a secret council. Who's invading?

Peter: Those people who- … (finally realizes who he's talking to) who… er…

Susan: (rolls eyes)

Edmund: (discreet cough) Yes, go on, Peter.

Peter: Um… who…

Lucy: (brightens up) Who wants to bake cookies with me:)

Peter: YES! Yes, that's… (gestures vaguely) that's who. Yes. Them.

Feimao: … The people who want to bake cookies with Lucy?

Edmund: (nods solemnly) Ah yes, a very grave matter indeed.

Peter: (narrows eyes at Edmund) Don't give me that tone.

Edmund: (widens eyes in innocence) What tone?

Peter: THAT tone!

Edmund: (airily) Don't know what you're talking about.

Peter: (jabs accusatory finger in Edmund's direction) YOU- … you you you you you…

Lucy: (bambi eyes) Doesn't anyone want to bake cookies with me?

Peter: ARGHHH!!! (throws hands up in frustration and proceeds to storm out of the room)

Susan: (finally manages to tug the glue blob off her mouth) Peter?? Peter! Where're you going??

Peter: (turns around, clenches fists, and shouts-) COOKIES!!! (spins on heel and marches out)

Lucy: Oh hurray! (claps hands delightedly and runs after Peter)

Susan: …

Feimao: (to Edmund) Want to help me wake the others up:) (holds up glue gun)

Edmund: (flexes tongs experimentally) A fine idea.

(Feimao and Edmund go off to wreak some gluey, tongy early morning havoc.)

Susan: … IS NO-ONE GOING TO CARE ABOUT ME?!

Feimao: (pops back in) Oh shut up. (fires a bigger glob of glue at Susan's face)

Susan: ARCKKPTHB!! (gets knocked out. again.)

Edmund: Nice shot.

**FEIMAO AND EDMUND'S EARLY MORNING ADVENTURES!!! Brought to you by Wikibix Breakfast Cereal – conquering a breakfast industry near you.**

_Location – Outside Vjl's Room_

Feimao: Ok, we go in on three. One… two… thr-

Vjl: (opens door) I like fish. (closes door)

Feimao: … Viv, you suck.

Vjl: (from inside) Eggs are evil.

Feimao: Bugger you.

_Location – Tessa's Room_

Edmund: I can understand why we're doing this, (to Vjl) but what's in it for you?

Vjl: (holds up scientific-looking equipment) Data-logging.

Edmund: … Gee, that makes so much sense.

Feimao: Actually, I'm not sure if we should do this to Tessa. She IS a vital ally.

Edmund: "Ally"? Against what?

Tessa: (suddenly sits up in bed) THE FORCES OF EVIL!!!

Everyone: …

Feimao: DINKUS! I AM the Forces of Evil!

Tessa: I meant the uncool ones.

Feimao: Oh. Yeah, ok.

Edmund: (blinks) There's a difference?

Feimao: Of course! I am the COOL Forces of Evil:)

Vjl: (to Edmund) With her, nothing is ever in black and white.

Tessa: Noooooo, we must all have colourful colourful rainbowness in our lives! RAINBOWNESS, I SAY:D

Feimao: Righto! Onward to Clari's room then!

Tessa: Eh, wait wait!

Vjl: What what!

Tessa: I haven't brush teeth yet.

Feimao: … Do you HAVE to brush your teeth now?

Tessa: Do you NOT KNOW what ORAL HYGIENE IS? My mouth tastes like its full of-

Feimao: OKOK, I DON'T WANT TO KNOW, GO BRUSH GO BRUSH!

(After Tessa has brushed her teeth all nice and whiteey clean…)

_Location – Clari's Room_

Clari: Foshizzle ma nizzle!

Feimao: EH! You're not supposed to be awake and have the first line in this section!

Clari: Why not! (looks at above two sections) OR HOR, so you were trying to scare me lah!

Feimao: Poooh…

Clari: I give you my angry face! (angry face)

Tessa: Haha, Poooh! Winnie the Poooh, Winnie the Poooh…

Edmund: (stares)

Clari: Evil! EEEVIL! E-V-E-E-E-E-L!

Feimao: I bet Hell wakes its people up by scaring them too.

Clari: This is not Hell, goondusami!

Feimao: It COULD'VE been.

Clari: You know that ad they had last time about Philadelphia cream cheese-

Edmund: Erh…

Clari: And how it was so heavenly-

Tessa: Winnie the Poooh, Winnie the Poooh…

Clari: And people in Heaven always ate Philadelphia cream cheese and never got fat-

Vjl: Where is this going?

Clari: That's how I always thought Heaven would be like. Except I don't like cream cheese.

Everyone: …

Feimao: Okay, that was profound to the max.


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11: In Which Tessa Initiates An Unexpected Field Trip**

_Location – The corridor leading to Susan's room_

Edmund: Our troop numbers are swelling... (stares at Vjl, Clari and Tessa)

Feimao: Aha! My forces of evil grow stronger! I smell victory on the horizon :D

Tessa: What does victory smell like?

Clari: Philadelphia cream cheese!

Vjl: But victory's a concept. Do concepts have smells? Can we detect a concept with our five senses? What ARE concepts?

Tessa: I bet it smells like rainbows!

Clari: Rainbows have no smell, fool!

Tessa: (sniffs) How would YOU know? Have YOU ever smelled a rainbow?

Clari: No, but neither have YOU.

Tessa: ... I bet victory smells like rainbow marshmallows.

Clari: Ooh, I like the pink ones.

Feimao: Shh! Our target is in sight! Behold – the Susan (gestures covertly at lone figure emerging from room). Cautiously, it peeks its head out to scan the surroundings for signs of danger. Observe the wide-eyed wariness and bent-knees stance of a creature posed to flee at the first sign of aggressors.

Vjl: Why are you talking like a wildlife documentary?

Clari: Elephants! I like elephants! :)

Feimao: Quiet! Or the Susan will pick up our predatory whisperings and evade capture. We must tread carefully and blend in with the environment. To arms, to arms! (holds up glue gun)

Tessa: (holds up rainbow staff)

Clari: (holds up industrial-size sack of marshmallows)

Vjl: (holds up a turtle)

Edmund: Hold it, hold it! What IS all this stuff?

Feimao: Erhh, weapons of mass distraction?

Edmund: (picks up Vjl's turtle by one flipper) A TURTLE??

Vjl: It can fly.

Edmund: ... (lets go of it)

Turtle: (flaps its way to freedom down the corridor, mesmerising Susan on the way)

Susan: Oooh...

Feimao: Quick, hit her with the marshmallows!

Clari: Eh get your own marshmallows!

Feimao: LOOK IT'S PETER!

Clari: WHERE!!

Feimao: (grabs industrial-size sack of marshmallows and hurls it at Susan)

Clari: EH!!!

Susan: AUUGHHH!!! D8

Tessa: (waves rainbow staff) Rainbow marshmallow explosion!

(The sack of marshmallows explodes in an amazing technicolour display of confectionery pyrotechnics.)

Susan: ARRGHH MY EYES!!!

Clari: ARRGHH MY MARSHMALLOWS!!!

Edmund: HURRAH!!

Lucy: (rounds the corner) OH MY GOODNESS! D8

Edmund: I mean erh, OH BOLLOCKS!

Lucy: Edmund! Don't swear!

Edmund: Erh, fiddlesticks.

Lucy: SUSAN WHY ARE YOU RAINBOW-COLOURED??

Susan: MY EYES, I'VE GOT MARSHMALLOW JUICE IN MY EYES!!

Feimao: HURRAH GAY PRIDE!! She looks like a Paddle Pop ice cream :)

Tessa: Marshmallows have juice?

Vjl: I expect when they've been placed under extreme heat in a rainbow explosion, the resultant goopy melted mess would constitute marshmallow juice.

Clari: TURN IT BACK TURN IT BACK! You didn't even save the pink ones!

Feimao: Alas! What is this? I cannot seem to find my handy dandy ultimate remote control. Oh dear, whatever shall we do?

Clari: YOU DON'T PRETEND! COUGH IT UP NOW!

Feimao: (coughs up a bicycle)

Everyone: ...

Clari: WHAT THE HELL.

Edmund: ... Now that's just bizarre.

Feimao: But look, it even has a bell! Ching ching!

Susan: I CAN'T SEE I CAN'T SEE!!

Lucy: Oh come on, Susan, let's get you washed up properly (guides Susan back into the room).

Susan: I'M BLINDED FOR LIFE!!

Lucy: Nothing a lot of hot water and scrubbing won't fix.

Feimao: Sandpaper! Use sandpaper! Or if it hardens too much, diamond drills could do the trick.

Edmund: I never knew marshmallows could be so deadly.

Vivien: Marshmallows! The new lethal weapon of the 21st century!

Feimao: Except we're not exactly in the 21st century at the moment.

Vivien: So they're the new lethal weapon of the sort-of-but-not-exactly 21st century?

Feimao: Something like that.

Edmund: My brain hurts. I want breakfast.

Feimao: TO BREAKFAST, NARNIA, TO BREAKFAST!! 8D

Peter: (comes out of his room and sees rainbow Susan) JUMPING GIANT BOOGERS, WHAT IN FRIGGIN GRIFFIN POOP IS THAT??!

Lucy: PETER! Watch your language!

Peter: Erh, what in fiddlesticks is that.

Susan: I hate you all.

[At breakfast in the dining hall]

Feimao: Right! Now for today's agenda!

Vjl: Which would be...?

Feimao: To come up with an agenda for today!

Vjl: =_= Right...

Feimao: (hammers mallet from nowhere on table) So! Suggestions, people!

Lucy: Cookies! ^_^

Peter: Not again! D8

Lucy: But I LIKE cookies :(

Peter: But erh, um, uh, but... Susan! Look at Susan! Yeah! She's in no condition to eat any cookies!

Susan: (glares at Peter with silent poison)

Lucy: Oh, that is true. I'm sorry Susan, I forgot all about your braces. We'll bake cookies another time then.

Clari: I WANT SWISS ROSTI!

Vjl: Fish!

Edmund: Erh, Turkish delight!

Tessa: NEPAL!! :D

Everyone: ...

Feimao: Ok, Turkish delight it is!

Clari: KNNCCBLJ! Stop fawning over your boy toy!

Feimao: I'm not fawning!

Edmund: What's a boy toy? o_o

Lucy: Maybe they're toys shaped like little boys! Are there girl toys, I wonder?

Vjl: (to Feimao) So you contest the fawning allegation but not the boy toy one?

Feimao: Yah! :D

Clari: Oh you lusty bitch.

Tessa: But I want to cycle to Nepal and teach the little children all about rainbows :(

Clari: Siao! Cycle to Nepal... We're not even in a real country! How to cycle to Nepal!

Tessa: With the power of my rainbowness, anything is possible! :D (waves rainbow staff) RAINBOW TELEPORTATION!!

[Suddenly, in a place that is definitely NOT Nepal]

Clari: GOONDUSAMI! THIS IS NOT NEPAL!!

Tessa: How would you know, you've never been to Nepal.

Clari: And YOU have?

Tessa: No.

Clari: THEN??

Tessa: This place gives off Nepal vibes :)

Clari: There are llamas in Nepal! D'you see any llamas around here?? NO! Because this ISN'T NEPAL!!

Tessa: Maybe they're all hiding cos you scared them away :(

Feimao: (points at something in the distance) Dude! It's like, a llama!

Clari: It's an OSTRICH, FOOL.

Edmund: Erh, so where ARE we?

Feimao: KUZCOTOPIA! Because there are llamas! :D

Clari: OSTRICH! We're on an ostrich farm!

Lucy: Oh look! There're little holes in the ground over there!

Vjl: They look like some kind of burrow or tunnel system.

Clari: MEERKATS! We're in Africa!

Vjl: Hang on, there's something peeking out of that hole. Doesn't look like a meerkat to me.

Feimao: Eh let's play whack-a-mole :D (holds up mallet)

Vjl: That's not a mole either. It's a...

(Suspense...)

Peter: A... ?

(Suspense ++ ...)

Susan: A-???

(Suspense +++ !!!)

Edmund: Turkish delight o_o

Peter: What?? o_O

Edmund: It's a piece of Turkish delight o_o

Susan: EEEK!! DX

Lucy: Aww, how cute! ^_^

Feimao: ... Does this mean we're in Turkey?

Clari: Oh what the HELLL...

Lucy: Oh look! There're more of them coming out of their burrows!

Peter: Is it just me or do they come in different colours?

Vjl: They probably have different flavours.

Feimao: Oh hurrah! We have found an Assorted Flavours colony of Turkish delight!

Edmund: You mean there are OTHER types of Turkish delight colonies??

Feimao: Yah, like the Single Flavour colonies. Rose flavour, almond flavour, pistachio flavour...

Lucy: Look, there goes a purple one!

Clari: Babies are born purple, it is like yams sprouting.

Everyone: ...

Clari: WHAT??

Feimao: Exactly how many profound moments do you plan to have in this fanfic?

Clari: HA! Every moment with me in it is a profound moment! I exude profoundness!

Tessa: (holds up a coconut) LOOK I FOUND A COCONUT! :D

Everyone: ...

Feimao: (to Clari) Dude, she beat you on that one.

Clari: CHICKENSHIT.


End file.
